


Turn Back The Clock

by zaynsperfectlashes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Zayn Malik, Boys In Love, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Humor, M/M, Pining, Smut, Suspense, Top Harry, Top Harry Styles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-27 00:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 27,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19005055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynsperfectlashes/pseuds/zaynsperfectlashes
Summary: "You're my hulk, Harry." Zayn digs a finger into Harry's chest.Harry stops walking and looks down at Zayn. He gulps, "I'm what?"Or a Zarry AuWhere Harry won't let Zayn into his apartment and Zayn wants to know why.





	1. Chapter 1

       

           

###      There goes my Heart beating

 

Liam finds Zayn crouched near the storeroom wall, with his head hung low and his knees pulled close to his chest. The wall's filled with the graffiti Zayn did, a few years back.

"Zayn?"

Zayn looks up at him and he looks small, small and lost and Liam immediately feels bad.

"You okay? The break's over. There are customers waiting for you on the counter." Zayn sighs and nods.

He scrubs his hands on his face , "Yeah, I'm okay. I just, lost track of time."

"If you don't feel good I can handle it for you mate." Liam reassures him.

"Nah man, it's all good. I'm probably just tired."

"Couldn't sleep again?"

Zayn shakes his head sheepishly and smiles at him. Liam smiles a small, sad smile back.

 

-

 

Zayn hears Liam whisper-shouting at someone on his phone when he slips behind the counter. Liam is incharge of the kitchen while Zayn takes orders and bills them.

When Zayn's done with the queue of customers he turns to look at Liam, "Who was that?" he nods towards Liam's phone.

"Oh nothing, just Lou being stupid."

Zayn knows there is more to it, something that's bugging Liam, something he doesn't agree with, something that isn't sitting right with him but Liam doesn't look like he wants to talk so he pats Liam's shoulder and smiles at him.

 

-

 

Zayn likes to be prepared, likes to avoid being caught on spot. He likes to be guarded and probably that's the reason why it hits him really bad, when he hears the café door bell jingling, and the shuffling of footsteps with Lou's voice loud and sharp.

And there's nothing new to it, Louis, Liam's boyfriend, comes to the café everyday. Zayn cannot trace back to the exact day when Liam got down on his knees for Louis. Liam says he was there, with them, happy but too cool to do anything but roll his eyes, but Zayn doesn't remember most of it.

He tried rattling his brain and got nothing but faint flash backs of the three of them together, like a fading old photograph tucked away in an old jeans.

The snap of fingers brings Zayn back. "Malik!"

And Zayn practically jumps from how loud Louis is.

Zayn likes him, Louis is funny and sassy and loves tattoos like him and makes Liam happy. So there's nothing to dislike really, except for the fact that he can be too much sometimes.

"Hey Lou." He whispers back when he thinks his heart isn't going to climb out through his throat.

"Thought you'd gone with the aliens Malik." He smirks back and Zayn rolls his eyes.

And the roll of his eyes is what ends up in him looking at a tall, lanky figure standing behind Louis.

Zayn looks at the curls first, wild and flying in all the directions, and he itches, itches to smoothen them. The itch almost feels familiar. Zayn drags his eyes lower and he thinks he should have been prepared, should have been a little more attentive, because this sudden contact has him gripping the counter.

The guy should look intimidating with those limbs and piercing eyes, but he's smiling a wide smile at Zayn and nothing about him seems steely, if anything, he looks soft and raw.

Louis probably notices Zayn's shaking hands and interjects,

"Zayn, this is my friend-"

"Lou?" Zayn turns and Liam is standing behind him looking at Louis like he's been betrayed, like he doesn't like something about this whole moment and Zayn can agree, he doesn't like how he feels too.

"I thought we talked about it." Liam mutters at him.

"I know babe, but I thought-"

"You thought?" Liam is almost furious and Zayn looks between both of them wide eyed.

"Li, calm down okay." Louis steps behind the counter and holds Liam's hand. "Let's go to the kitchen?"

Zayn still hasn't gotten hold of the situation when he hears it.

"Harry."

Zayn turns to look at the guy again.

"Huh?"

Zayn squints his eyes in confusion.

"My name, uh, Lou was about to introduce me but then they," Harry waves his hands in the air trying to refer to the situation and Zayn has to stop himself from smiling because he finds it almost endearing. _Almost_.

"Oh, yeah. Hi. Harry." And Zayn sees it, Harry practically deflates with relief at the sound of his name, there's something painful in his eyes but he's quick to grin back at Zayn like he didn't just practically sigh at the sound of his name. Harry raises his eyebrow at Zayn and Zayn tilts his head, and then _oh_ -

"Zayn. I'm Zayn." And Harry grins again.

Zayn doesn't know what it is with Harry grinning so much.

"So I've heard you draw." Harry pipes in and rests his elbows on the counter with his face tucked in his hands, infront of Zayn.

Zayn raises an eyebrow at him now. Harry looks down, blushing at bit,

"Uh, Lou told me about you."

"He did? Why?" Zayn looks confused.

"Uh, Liam mentioned you once and I asked about it and Lou went on talking about you." Harry finishes with another smile.

"So you knew my name then." It's not really a question, just a statement.

Harry's eyes widen at it and he stands straight. When Zayn doesn't budge and keeps looking at him, Harry slowly nods and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Gotta get better at this Harry. " Zayn smirks and Harry's head snaps up at him and slowly his lips form another big grin.

"Sure Malik." He winks at Zayn and yes, Zayn thinks, maybe the morning isn't as bad.


	2. Cause you are the reason

There's a moment before one blinks into consciousness from slumber, where everything is blurry before it starts to fall into place, where thoughts wander, where you feel so light you could fly, where everything's imperfect but still feels so right, Zayn loves that moment. 

So he sighs, and lets it last, long enough to soothe the dull thronb starting to develop in his head.

-

It's always difficult in the morning. Zayn wakes up with a headache and dim flashes of things he doesn't understand, his mind makes up. 

He's always left with an itch in the end, an itch to reach out, to something, to someone, that existed. Maybe his mind is playing with him, Zayn doesn't know, but he feels the void of something left behind, like missing pieces of puzzle. 

-

The café isn't busy today, which is a miracle since it is the weekend, but Zayn sighs and draws a chair at the corner of the room.

He's busy sketching a random couple standing just outside the café, when he hears the scraping of a chair and tries not to jump at the sound. 

"The first recipe in English “To make a currey the India way” was in Hannah Glasse’s Art of Cookery published in 1747."

"What?" Zayn looks at Harry with a raised eyebrow and an etched frown. 

Harry smiles, his signature grin and shrugs. 

"So?" Zayn presses. 

"Sooo?"

"Harry?" Zayn looks at him confused. 

"Zayyynnn?" Harry drawls back. 

And it doesn't help the wide smile that breaks out on Zayn's face. He doesn't know what it is, but Harry's looking at him with a glint of amusement and he feels like he can let loose. 

"What was that?" He laughs.

"A curry fact." Harry shrugs. 

"Okay, apart from the basic logic that it was really abrupt and weird of you to throw that at me, uh, why would you say that?" Zayn's really amused with the situation. 

"Uh, I don't know, heard you find intelligence attractive. Not," Harry raises a finger in the air, " that I'm trying to impress you but yeah, I'm quite intelligent. " He winks. 

And Zayn laughs then, a full giggle that settles something inside him.   
"I like curry you know?" He tilts his head. 

Harry nods back, "Yeah the Indian curry, extra spicy, that has you in tears but you won't give up."

Zayn stills at that, Harry notices and scrambles, "Lou, told me that while I was talking about you, he, uh, told me you liked Indian curry."

Zayn smirks at him, " You realise you look like a creepy stalker right now Styles? Should I be worried?"

"Maybe." Harry grins. "Maybe I'll sneak a chemical in your curry and then kidnap you, take you to a stranded island and leave you there to die. "

Zayn snorts. "Yeah?"

Harry nods and he thinks his jaw is going to come off from how hard he's grinning at Zayn but it doesn't matter because Zayn's smiling too. 

"What are you drawing?" Harry pipes. 

"Just random things." Zayn shrugs.

"I think I'll let you take your drawing pad and pencils with you." Harry says seriously.

"Huh?" Zayn pinches his eyebrows.

"When I leave you at the island." Harry completes and Zayn laughs again, a loud, hearty sound, that loosens a knot inside Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to give feedback x


	3. I'm losing my sleep

Zayn's busy doodling on his pad when he looks at Liam and Louis, pinning each other near the kitchen wall and grinning wide at each other, their hands entwined and legs slotted between each other and he feels a void again, a nagging emptiness in the deepest folds of his muscles where his heart thrums. 

"Who's the creepy stalker now?"

Zayn jumps on his heels and drops his pad. And Harry giggles, ofcourse, Zayn rolls his eyes.

"You really need to stop scaring me Styles." Zayn turns to look at him. 

Harry's grin slips a little, when he meets Zayn's eyes, " Are you okay?"

And Zayn nods, he is, people really need to stop asking him that. 

"Zayn, do you, like, sleep at night?"

Zayn frowns at Harry, calculating the look on his face. Harry looks tired suddenly, the lines and circles of his face usually hidden behind his grin, visible, his eyes dull with the weight of something.   
Zayn wants to reach out and smoothen his eyebrows and lips, so he won't frown.

"Harold!" Louis shouts. "When did you get here?"

"You wouldn't know Lou, you were sucking Liam's soul through his mouth." Zayn retorts and Harry laughs out loud. Zayn reaches out and Harry meets his hand in the air to hi five him. 

"Attacking me with your long forgotten sex life Malik?" Louis counters and his eyes go wide immediately, Liam stills too. 

It doesn't bother Zayn, he rolls his eyes and shoves his middle finger back at his face. The tension dissipates instantly. 

"Uh, Louis, did you invite Zayn to the night out?" Harry helps. 

"Oh, yeah, Malik, we're going out tonight. Fancy joining us?"

"I don't think-" Liam begins but Zayn cuts in, "I'm in. " And grins. 

Liam deflates and nods and Louis squishes his cheeks and Zayn feels the familiar pinch again until he hears a faint whisper, "I'll pick you up." And he smiles.

-

Zayn hasn't done this in a long time, atleast he doesn't remember the last time he went out to chill and not buy groceries because he forgets to stock up his fridge. 

He sighs and goes for a maroon jumper with his blue jeans, running nervous hands through his hair, when he hears the doorbell. 

Harry.

Zayn takes a deep breath and opens the door to Harry in a black sheer shirt with bright red roses embroidered on it, and black skinny jeans and he feels a tug of something in his stomach, a weird tension. 

"Hi." Harry smiles and Zayn has to punch himself for finding it so endearing. 

"Hey. You look, uh, really nice." He licks his lips. 

"Thanks." Harry smiles, a small almost sheepish smile. "About you, although you look really cute, but this isn't exactly the look for a night out, don't you think?"

There goes Zayn's self confidence and he frowns. 

Harry reaches out and wraps his fingers around Zayn's wrist, rubbing his thumb over his pulsing vein and leans in close, until his lips touch Zayn's cheek, "Let me find you something to wear." Zayn gulps, the hair on the back of his neck standing up in a mix of excitement and arousal and it's so embarrassing. 

Harry pulls back and smirks at Zayn before pulling him to his bedroom. Zayn follows but stops at the door and Harry turns to look at him, "What's wrong?"

"How did you know this is my bedroom?"

Harry looks alarmed for a second before he waves his arms in the air, "You've got clothes lying near on the floor everywhere here Zayn, near the door too," he points at a shirt somehow lying next to Zayn's foot, "it's quite obvious with how organised you are. " Harry teases him. 

Zayn rolls his eyes and Harry tugs him again. 

-

"Harry if you don't like this one, I'm not gonna change it." Zayn's voice comes from the walk in wardrobe and Harry giggles and yells, "Show time Malik." from where he's lying on Zayn's bed. 

Zayn steps in then, in a crisp white t-shirt, tattered on the ends and neck, showing off Zayn's tattoos, with a faded jean jacked on it, and rugged jeans with the slightest of blue in them and black boots. He has his hair sweeped off to his side with enough gel in them to give them a wet look with strands falling on his forehead. 

Harry stands up, and stays on his spot, fixed. It doesn't help Zayn's anxiety, he twitches his fingers waiting for Harry to say something. When Harry doesn't, Zayn presses, "So?"

Harry has his mouth hanging open and if Zayn wasn't so antsy he'd probably laugh at his face but Harry recovers quickly and nods quickly, "You, um, you look nice."

"Do you want me to change again? I could-"

"No!" Harry almost shouts and clamps a hand over his mouth. "I mean, no, you look really nice Zayn. You look hot, really hot."

Zayn blushes then, he can't not. 

"Okay then, I guess, we should leave yeah?"

Harry still hasn't moved from his spot but he keeps on nodding at Zayn. 

Zayn laughs then, "Harry?"

And Harry jumps, like he's been rattled hard, "Yeah, yeah, we should yeah. Let's go." He offers Zayn his arm and Zayn gladly takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the Loveee x


	4. Please Come Back Now

The club is loud, loud enough to drown Zayn's thoughts for once and it feels nice to not hear yourself for once, to feel nothing but the vibrating nerves under your skin.

They're all seated with glasses littered on the table and Niall's telling a funny story of how he choked on a fry once. 

Zayn raises his glass to finish whatever's left in it when he looks at Harry sitting across him, staring back.  
It's definitely the alcohol that makes Zayn bold enough to deliberately make a show of licking his lips slowly, almost teasing, after finishing his drink. 

Harry's eyes widen at that and Zayn smirks. He raises an eyebrow in Harry's direction, almost challenging. Harry smiles then, a small smile, looks at him from under his lashes, dips his fingers in his drink and  slowly sucks at his fingers with his gaze steady and fierce on Zayn. 

Zayn shudders at that and grabs his knee to balance himself. He looks at Harry and witnesses a smug smile on his face. Zayn's about to think of something in his defence to throw Harry off when Niall, with all his enthusiasm, spills his drink on Harry's pants and doesn't even pretend to be sorry about it. 

Zayn laughs then, clutching his stomach, and he's definitely drunk but this is the funniest thing ever because the smug smile on Harry's face has been wiped clean and he's pouting now. 

It's too much and Zayn rubs his eyes to get rid of the tears and when he looks back up, Harry's still staring, all wide eyes and dimpled smile and it settles something in Zayn, a familiar something, like he knows this feeling, like it's meant to be, them. 

-

Niall's pissed drunk, Zayn knows it because Niall's pointing towards the door and saying that the four girls standing there have the same face.

Zayn giggles at him and pokes his cheek. 

He brings his hand up in front of Niall's face and puts up two fingers, "There's two of them Ni. They're twins . You're so pissed." 

And he giggles again and Niall's laughing too. 

But then Harry's poking Zayn's arm and telling him that there's just one girl standing near the door and wow, Zayn's probably drunk too. 

-  
Liam said it, no probably Lou suggested it, that Harry should take Zayn home because Harry is sober enough to do that and Zayn can't even stand straight without falling, which Zayn thinks is bullshit because ofcourse he can stand, it's just that the floor won't let him. 

-

Harry drives Zayn home and Zayn's mostly sleeping through the ride except now Harry's poking him and telling him they've reached.  
But Zayn groans and closes his eyes again. Harry sighs and picks him up then, bridal style and carries him to his house. 

Harry reaches the door and sets Zayn down with his hand wrapped securely around Zayn's waist and shakes him, "Zayn, where are keys?"

Zayn points at the pocket of his jacket and Harry gets them out. He carefully takes Zayn's both arms and secures them around his waist from behind, so Zayn is draped around his back. 

Harry struggles with his keys while Zayn murmurs his name, in a small voice, again and again and Harry has to stop himself from kissing Zayn right there. 

He gets the keys right and opens the door and carries Zayn again. 

Zayn's looking at Harry now, wide doe eyes, concentrated and fond. 

"You're my hulk, Harry." Zayn digs a finger into Harry's chest. 

Harry stops walking and looks down at Zayn. He gulps, "I'm what?"

Zayn smiles, eyes closed, almost pleased with himself, "I said you're my hulk."

Harry takes a deep breath, "Uh, why?"

Zayn opens his eyes and grabs Harry's face in his hands and squishes his cheeks until his lips pucker out, like he's pouting, and whispers, "Because you're green and strong.  My hulk."

Harry can't move, his body refuses to. He stares at Zayn, wide eyed, and he must look ridiculous with his cheeks squished and lips puckered because Zayn's laughing and Harry wants to cry because right here in his arms is a human, so pure and beautiful, Harry doesn't believe his luck. 

He smiles at Zayn and carries him to his bed.


	5. There Goes My Mind Racing

The first thought Zayn has, when he blinks into consciousness, is that he wants to punch the person, in their face, whoever convinced Zayn to drink last night. 

He groans and feels sorry for himself, regrets even going out at all. He's flooded with flashing scenes, but this time, of the night before. It comes in bits and pieces, Niall choking on a fry, drinking, laughing, more drinking, Niall spilling his drink on Harry and Harry, Harry brought Zayn back. Fuck. 

Zayn's dreading it already, he doesn't want to look. But who's he kidding, obviously he looks and there's oh-  
There's nothing on the table, no sticky notes for Zayn to read and smile, or whatever.

Zayn doesn't know if that makes him feel better or worse.

-

Zayn's in the middle of doing his laundry when Trisha calls him and asks him if he's okay, he sighs because yes, he is. He ends the call and "Fuck?!"

There on Zayn's phone, his wallpaper is a picture of him pouting in his sleep and at the very edge is half of Harry's face with his tongue peeking out. 

And Zayn doesn't know if he wants to laugh at the silly picture or cry because of embarrassment. 

He definitely needs to get back at Harry Styles. 

-

Liam's been grumbling about everything going wrong from getting the orders wrong to spilling drinks. He has a frown etched to his face with his eyebrows pinched and Zayn wonders what's bothering him so much. 

When the orders are all dealt with, Zayn sneaks off to the kitchen and Liam's frowning at the coffee machine and it doesn't sit well with Zayn, looking at Liam frowning and deflated. So he goes and wraps his arms around Liam's waist from behind and Liam flinches at first, but then his muscles relax under Zayn's grasp. 

"What's wrong?" 

"The machine's not working properly. It-it's like making weird sounds if I turn it on and I can't fix it and-"

Zayn smiles against his shoulder, "No Li, I mean what's wrong with you?"

Liam sighs then, "I had a fight with Lou and now, he hasn't been picking up my calls."

"Li, it'll be okay. It's Louis. He'll probably try to punch you in your face but the moment you hug him, he'll mutter a 'fuck you' and hug you back."

Liam laughs at that. "Yeah you're right."

Zayn lets him go then and takes a step back. 

"Now call him and tell him that you're sorry."

Liam winces, "I, uh, left my phone on my nightstand today."

Zayn shakes his head and fetches his own phone and hands it over with a pointed nod. 

Liam smiles and takes it. He slides his finger on the screen and his eyes widen. 

"Zayn?"

Zayn realises what he's seen and dunks his head down while smiling. 

"When did this happen? You never change your wallpapers? And that's-"

"Harry, yeah." Zayn nods and stares at the coffee machine instead, like it's the most important thing.

"Zayn?"

Zayn takes a deep breath, "Okay yeah, that's Harry and he did that."

"When?"

"The night at the bar, he took me home and probably clicked a picture and set it as my wallpaper. " Zayn shrugs like it's nothing but Liam obviously notices the curve of his lips, suggesting otherwise. 

"He took you home then." 

"Yeah well, it was your boyfriend's brilliant idea." 

Liam shakes his head, it's fond and soft. 

"Zayn you're happy right? I mean Harry, is a nice guy, but he can be a little overwhelming at times. And if it ever feels too much, you tell me okay? You talk to me. I just want you to be happy."

Harry is overwhelming, Zayn knows it, has experienced it. There's a familiarity to him, a string, a power he has over Zayn, but it's nice. It's something soft yet fierce and Zayn's probably craving it. 

"I know Li, it's okay. Harry's okay. And if he's too much, I can be too much too. Gotta keep up with Styles." He winks at Liam.

And Liam smiles, a huge smile this time.


	6. And You Are The Reason

Zayn's cleaning the counter and the bell jingles. He looks up and there he is, Harry, stumbling his way into the Café because ofcourse he lost his balance on a plain surface. 

Zayn shakes his head and goes back to taking orders from the long queue infront of him, with a smile on his face. Zayn blames Harry for it because since when did Zayn grin at absolutely nothing.

He sneaks another look at Harry while he's typing on his computer and Harry's smoothening his hair, running fingers through them. And the moment Harry looks up and waves at him, Zayn averts his gaze and gets busy with the billing. 

Zayn can feel Harry's eyes on him while he takes the orders, but he bites the inside of his cheek and doesn't look at him. 

The queue's almost done with, when he hears it , "I'll have a cupcake please."

Zayn presses his lips together to stop the smile willing to show itself on his face and murmurs a very professional, "Okay sir."

Zayn doesn't look at him, he refuses to, likes to tease. 

Harry clears his throat but Zayn keeps on typing on the computer.

"Hey."

Zayn looks at him then, with a blank face and Harry's smile is wiped from his face, his eyes widen, almost comically and Zayn really has to give himself an award for not laughing right then. 

"Are you mad at me Zayn? Did I do something?" He frowns and rolls his bottom lip between his fingers, and then, "Is it because of, uh, the wallpaper thingy?"

And Zayn's suddenly reminded of the silly picture that still sits as his wallpaper and he bursts out smiling. 

"Look at yourself Harry." He laughs. 

"Heyyyyyyy." Harry pouts. "That's not fair. I thought you were seriously mad at me."

"Well, I had to get back at you for the wallpaper didn't I, Styles?" 

Harry pokes his tongue out at Zayn and Zayn's eyes widen then because Harry's a grown man with broad shoulders, wild curls and lanky limbs and him poking his tongue out should look stupid and weird. But there he is doing it and Zayn's insides fill with warmth and fondness. Like he has to stop himself from kissing Harry's cheek to make him smile. 

Zayn slides two cupcakes at him then with a huge grin. Harry looks confused and shakes his head, "I ordered one-"

"I know, the other one's my way of saying 'sorry, now wipe that frown off your face and show me your dimples, Styles' ". And Harry's smile falters, panic passes over his features and Zayn thinks he's said something wrong or done something to upset him. 

"Harry? Are you okay? Did I- like say something-"

"No, no." Harry reaches forward,   
"Just not used to you actually being sweet to me, for once." Harry stares at Zayn, with a smirk on his face, Zayn really wants to kiss that smirk off.

"Oh, you know what else is sweet?" Zayn challenges with a shine in his eyes. 

"What?" Harry stares at him. 

Zayn leans in, until his lips brush against Harry's jaw, teasing and slow and Harry takes in a shaky breath. 

Zayn whispers, "Your nose." 

Harry groans, his eyes closed, "Yeah?"

Zayn leans back, laughing. 

Harry opens his eyes, "Wha-"  
His nose is smeared with the cupcake. 

Zayn leans in and licks his nose and Harry can't even be mad anymore. 

-

"So?" 

"What?" Zayn laughs.

Harry licks at the cupcake, "Do you remember anything from that night?"

Zayn stops typing, "Yeah, bits of it. I remember that we drank alot and that you brought me back home and I would have said thankyou but you took that picture, so no thankyou."

"Wow", Harry licks at his cupcake icing, "Don't remember the hulk part, do you?" Harry smirks at Zayn's confused expression.

"You, Mr. Malik, called me a hulk that night."

"What!"

"Yeah," Harry smiles, enjoying Zayn's embarassed face, "You said that I'm your hulk."

Zayn stares at him, "I did not!"

"You did." Harry licks at his fingers, "The funny part however is, that you said I'm a hulk because I'm green and strong, while," Harry raises an eyebrow, "I was carrying you to your bed."

"No!" 

"Yeah."

Zayn burries his face in his hands.

"Aww, come on." Harry giggles, "It was cute."

Zayn looks through his fingers and smiles.

"I don't mind being your hulk." Harry shrugs. 

"Of course you don't Styles." Zayn smirks. Harry winks back.


	7. That I'm Still Breathing

Turns out Harry Styles has no job to do except teasing and annoying Zayn. 

They're all here today, at a table, Niall, Louis and Harry. Well not Harry, since he's lurking around the counter yelling, "Hulk, I'm a Hulk Niall. Did you know that?" with no shame whatsoever.

Zayn has to stop himself from jumping at him and punching his face for being a teasing brat but Zayn's not sure if he wants to punch or kiss Harry more. 

That's another thing Zayn's been thinking about, this urge to kiss Harry, kiss him and swallow the sounds he'll make, kiss him and thread fingers through Harry's curls and slowly drag his nose across his jaw to his neck. 

Harry's snapping his fingers in front of his face then and Zayn blinks at him. 

"What now, Styles?" Zayn rolls his eyes. 

"Being rude to your hulk," Harry fake gasps, "that's not very polite now, is it? Who's going to carry you to your bed?"

Zayn looks at Harry for a moment then, " Where did you go?"

"Hmm?"

"After that night, I didn't see you for days. Where did you go?"

Harry wiggles his eyebrows then, that cheeky monkey, "Is this what I think it is?"

Harry waves his hands around dramatically, "Did Zayn Malik just miss me?"

Zayn blushes at the sudden statement.   
He can't even bring himself to roll his eyes anymore because he's sure he's gonna grin. 

Zayn puts his head down on the counter and covers his face and whines, "Nooooo."

Harry threads his fingers through Zayn's Hair and plays with it, "Aww, it's okay Malik. I know I'm missable."

Zayn snaps his head up in a crooked grin, "Missable? Is that even a word?"

Harry frowns, "Probably not."

"So, where were you?" Zayn smiles.

"Jeez, can't even go one day without me, can ya? I need some space." And Zayn's mouth hangs open because Harry has the audacity to look smug. 

Zayn's about to retort when Louis yells, "Pack up your things Malik. And you better have food at home. Seems like we're having a movie night at your place."

Zayn turns to Harry then, grins wide, "Seems like you're stuck with me Styles."

And Harry whispers, "Can't complain."

-

Zayn's busy heating up the pizza they picked up on their way while Louis and Liam are snuggled on the couch and Niall's yelling loudly at the screen, something about how the main character left without eating the breakfast and how food should never be wasted. 

And well, Harry's looking at Niall, listening to every word and nodding at the right places. It looks like he's trying not to laugh, but there's still this fondness in his eyes, in the way he's found his way among them, almost like he's always been a part of them. Like it's all so normal, meant to be. 

The microwave dings and Zayn blinks, Harry's eyes immediately land on him and he smiles, not his cheeky grin but a small, soft smile that almost hits Zayn. 

Something about this moment has Zayn's hands shaking because this feels right, all the people he loves, happy and present. Harry feels right, right here in Zayn's personal space, he feels right. 

Zayn shakes his head and smiles back at Harry, who goes back to listening to Niall with wide eyes and an open mouth. 

-

They're almost half way through the movie and it's a lost cause, Zayn can see because Liam and Louis are busy groping each other and giggling, Niall's busy stuffing the pizza into his mouth with mumbles of how if the main character had stayed back to have his breakfast, he wouldn't have been kidnapped and Harry has his head on Zayn's shoulder.

He shifted somewhere between the past minutes and is practically lying on Zayn's shoulder, with his curls tickling Zayn's neck.

Zayn laughs at something Niall's saying when Harry slowly takes in Zayn's hand, turns it over and runs his fingers over Zayn's palm and wrist, in circles and Zayn shivers with how intimate it feels, especially when he hasn't felt this warmth in a long time. 

He then, slowly drags his fingers from Zayn's arm to his palm again and fills the gap between his fingers with his own and Zayn immediately closes his fingers around Harry's. 

Harry looks at him then and smiles, this earnest smile and Zayn bites his lip. He shifts and whispers against Zayn's jaw, "Do you wanna play Hulk Hulk?" and Zayn thinks he almost dies with how loud he snorts at it.

-

Louis and Liam decide that the groping wasn't enough and turn to head home and Niall's yelling about having to work early too.

Zayn shifts to greet them but Harry's weight doesn't let him budge from where he's sleeping on Zayn's shoulder. 

Zayn points at him and they all nod in understanding. 

"Should I wake him up?" Liam mumbles.

"No, it's fine Li. He's probably tired." Zayn whispers. 

He nods and ruffles Zayn's hair before leaving, which ends up in Zayn glaring at him but then he grins because Louis ruins Liam's hair too. 

-

Zayn sighs and looks at Harry, who's almost lying on Zayn's chest with his nose poking at his armpits. 

And he thinks how did Harry end up here, in Zayn's apartment, in his arms, drooling over his chest but still somehow so endearing and soft that Zayn wouldn't ask for anything else.


	8. I'm Hopeless Now

Zayn wakes up to a mouthful of hair and weight on him, a lot of weight. He blinks his eyes open and it comes down to him, there's Harry Styles in his bed, almost on top of him. 

Zayn remembers carrying (almost dragging) him to the spare bedroom last night. Zayn doesn't know when did Harry slip in last night, all he knows is Harry's really warm and he has his face tucked near Zayn's neck, puffing out warm breath, eliciting a shiver that runs straight to Zayn's toes, touching his dick on its way. 

Harry has him locked in a place with his ankles tangled with Zayn's and his arm wrapped around his torso, refusing to let go. 

Zayn shifts a little so Harry's a little less draped on him and looks at him, his lips jutted out, his curls all a mess, flying everywhere, so wild yet so raw and delicate. 

Zayn looks at him, a bit longer and then tugs Harry closer again, so he's draped onto Zayn like before and drifts off.

-

The next time Zayn wakes up is because his stomach grumbles in protest. He didn't eat anything last night and his stomach doesn't like it too much. 

So he shifts again but there's no weight on him. He pats the space near him and nothing. He cracks open an eye and looks around and there's something fluttering against his eyes. 

He touches it and it's a sticky note with a 'WAKE UP ZAYYYNNN' on it. Zayn laughs at it and then there's another one on his arm with a ' I'M HUNGRY ZAYN!'

Zayn moves to get up but there's one stuck on his toe with a ' I'm gonna go cook for myself, sleepy head.' and then at the corner ' please don't mistake me for a thief and hit me.' 

Zayn laughs and shakes his head at that. He moves towards the kitchen and Harry isn't there. He scratches at his stomach and tries to figure out if he could be anywhere else when -  
"Are you hungry?"  
Zayn jumps at that.  
Harry's sat on the couch with toast and omelette, half of it stuffed into his mouth and Zayn wonders how did he still manage to speak. 

Zayn shakes his head and goes to sit near Harry. Harry slides another plate towards Zayn, with the same breakfast but a sliced banana too and Zayn looks up at him. 

"Good morning." Harry smiles and Zayn mumbles it back with a crooked grin. 

Zayn feels warm, too warm and that reminds him, " Uh, I tucked you in the spare bedroom.."

Harry keeps on chewing and nods. 

"Yeah, and you were not there in the morning.."

Harry nods again, "I wasn't, yes."

Zayn raises his eyebrow at Harry then, " You were in my room."

Harry stops chewing his food and looks down at his plate, brushes his curls out of his face and mumbles a quiet, " Couldn't sleep without you."

Zayn's mouth hangs low with how vulnerable the moment is, how fragile the air between them is. 

Zayn's afraid to say anything, doesn't want to ruin it, so he reaches forward and takes Harry's face into his hands.  
Slowly applies pressure so Harry's looking right into his eyes, rubs his thumbs over his jaw, spreads his fingers into his hair, leans forward and kisses his cheek. 

Zayn lets his lips linger on his cheek for a while, taking in Harry's odour, his breathing, his racing pulse beneath his hands and then whispers a quiet, "It's okay." 

And Harry nods then, within Zayn's hold and brushes his nose against Zayn's neck and it's ticks something off inside Zayn, everything rushing and settling all at once.


	9. I'll Climb Every Mountain

It's crazy busy in the café which means that Harry has no chance of lingering near the counter, which is probably good but Zayn finds his eyes drifting towards him. 

But Harry isn't looking back at him like he always does. He's busy on his phone, frowning at something and then he's smiling, wide. 

But it makes Zayn more anxious because Harry's not lingering near the counter, he's not sneaking looks at Zayn and he certainly hasn't tried anything crazy except a brief wave and a smile when he entered, which is what Zayn always prays for, but looking at him, smiling at his phone has a heavy feeling settling into Zayn's chest. 

A bitter taste he doesn't like. So he shakes his head and concentrates on taking orders. 

-

It's been an hour and the café is almost empty with only two tables occupied. One by an old couple, in their sixties probably, which makes something soft tremble inside Zayn, looking at them, a promise of forever in their eyes, trembling hands but entwined, it's beautiful. And there's the other table occupied by Harry, Harry and his friend. 

It's nothing really, just the two of them sitting together, smiling and laughing and the man has some really funny things to say, Zayn thinks, because Harry's laughing and his eyes are probably tearing up with it and it's not pleasant to look at. 

Because when did Zayn make Harry laugh like that? Zayn's never seen Harry laugh so loud, so carefree, crinkly eyes and widespread lips, dimples ever present and his face red from laughing so much. With Zayn, Harry's always collected, on the edge, cheeky but it's nothing like this.

Zayn averts his eyes away from them and stacks up the stock on the shelf when he hears a voice,

"Hey?" Zayn looks up, it's him, the guy, Harry's friend. "Hi, I'd like a cold coffee please and-"

"A hot coffee-" Harry starts and something in Zayn stutters because that's the first thing Harry's said out loud today to him. 

"With almond milk, I know babes." The guy completes and Zayn's jaw drops open because Harry's shaking his head, fondly. 

Zayn nods dumbfounded at the situation.

-

Zayn's sitting on the kitchen floor with his sketch pens and his pad, hand moving with an ease, tracing patterns, delicate and graceful. His drawing pad has always been a part of him, of his struggles, of his happiness, of his growth and of his tough times. 

Zayn's hand roams over a curve getting it correct, when the kitchen door opens suddenly and he flinches, the curve destroyed. He looks up and Harry's standing before him with a frown on his face. 

Zayn doesn't say anything, just crosses his legs and collects his pens from where they're sprawled on the floor. Harry makes the move and sits near him, cross legged, back against the same wall, their knees touching. 

Zayn doesn't look at him, he hasn't yet processed his feelings, hasn't wrapped his head around Harry's behaviour today and it's not that Zayn thinks Harry's supposed to be around him all the time, but there's a special smile for Zayn that Harry always sneaks in towards him even when they're in a room full of people.   
Zayn doesn't want to admit it but he probably thought it was something. They were something. 

Harry clears his throat and Zayn looks at him. "Hi." Harry smiles, and there's the smile Zayn thinks about. 

"Hi." 

"Why are you here?" Harry waves his hand around. 

Zayn shrugs, "Just wanted to be alone and draw."

"Yeah." Harry nods slowly. He fidgets with his fingers and it makes Zayn more anxious. 

"Are you playing games with me Harry?" Zayn looks down at his lap. 

Harry turns towards him, opens his mouth, closes it and frowns again. 

"I won't. Never. Never with you. " He mumbles quietly, almost too quiet. 

Zayn turns to him, Harry with his head hung low, his curls crumbling and hanging on his face, one by one. 

"Are you sure?" Zayn asks tentatively, it feels wrong, so wrong to question Harry's intentions but he continues, " You're not bound to like me Harry. It's okay if you don't like me okay, but just don't pretend or play with me, I can't do that. I'm not a guy for you to play with-"

Harry clasps a hand over his mouth. 

"No! Okay, No. You're not just someone for me Zayn, not just a guy. You're someone I get up everyday to meet, you're someone I sleep thinking of. Zayn, how don't you see it? I'm completely smitten by you, everything you do. I keep it all in here," he points towards his chest, " Every smirk you send my way, every smile I bring to your lips, every small touch, everything Zayn. God-"

Harry doesn't even know when it happens and how it happens, but it's happening, right now, Zayn's lips on him. It's fierce, euphoric and grounding at the same time. 

And Harry has to remind himself to give it back, when Zayn groans against his lips, his hands lost in Harry's curls. It lights something in Harry and he reaches out and the next moment, Zayn is on his lap, straddling him, never breaking the kiss. 

Harry grabs Zayn's waist and pulls him closer, pinches his sides and Zayn whimpers against his mouth, all hot and slick. Harry pulls Zayn's bottom lip between his teeth, Zayn groans, a loud shameless sound and it drives Harry mad. 

He brings his hand to the nape of Zayn's neck and tangles his fingers into his hair, tugging at it, Zayn shivers at it and rolls his body against Harry. They both shudder at the contact and pull away. 

Zayn immediately rests his head on Harry's shoulder, taking in ragged breaths and Harry tips his head back against the wall , trying to catch his breath.

He slowly brings Zayn's right hand in between them and turns it. He runs his fingers over his palm and stops at the pad of his index finger. 

"You," he takes a breath, "have an indent here, everytime you draw."

Zayn's lip wobbles at it, it's nothing, just a tiny little detail, but Harry saw. He sees Zayn. 

Zayn feels so bare, naked in front of Harry's piercing eyes, looking through him and it's intense, so intense that he kisses Harry again.


	10. Swim Every Ocean

Now that they've kissed, they can't stop. 

Harry has Zayn pushed up against the kitchen wall, his hands on Zayn's neck pulling him closer, feeling Zayn flush against his body and he's kissing Zayn with a desire, like he can't stop. 

Zayn groans into his mouth and Harry starts to pull away but Zayn can't stop either. Zayn's grabbing at Harry's shirt and pulling him close, biting at his bottom lip and pulling it. Harry whimpers, a needy sound that makes Zayn pull him closer, so there's nothing between them, just them and their hot mouths assaulting each other. 

Zayn's about to bite at Harry's bottom lip again when Harry slots a thigh between Zayn's legs and stretches them open. Zayn feels weak at that, so weak in his knees that he just breathes harshly into Harry's mouth.

They pull away, all swollen lips and eyes swimming with desire. Zayn smirks at Harry and moves away from the wall to lean into Harry and whispers, "My Hulk." 

That's it, Harry pushes Zayn back against the wall with a force , Zayn gasps and then Harry's caging Zayn against the wall with his body and biting and licking at his neck, collarbone, jaw, whatever skin he can find with Zayn chanting series of 'fuck'. 

Harry bites at his ear and noses at his jaw, "Would you", moves down to his throat dragging his tongue over the skin there, "like to go out with me?"

"Yes fuck yes yes.", Zayn gasps. 

Harry pulls back entirely and grins, "Cool."  
Zayn's still breathing harshly and Harry's just grinning at him, like he's too pleased at himself and oh-

"Did you just trick me into going out with you?" 

"Probably." Harry laughs. 

Zayn rolls his eyes, "I would have agreed anyway Styles."

Harry leans in close, "Yeah," bends a little and kisses Zayn's nose, "but not without acting difficult and rolling your eyes at me." He kisses Zayn's cheek, "So" he kisses his other cheek, "this was an amazing way of getting my answer without you being difficult." He kisses Zayn's forehead and leans back. 

Zayn's flooded with so many emotions, he doesn't know what to do.  
Harry is overwhelming. 

So he Steps forward, grins at Harry and leans it, dragging his teeth over his ear, biting gently,  
"Open your eyes."

Harry opens his eyes and Zayn has his middle finger stuck up infront of his face. Harry laughs at it and it's so adorable that Zayn kisses him again, short and sweet and whispers , "See you at the date Styles.", against his lips. 

-

Zayn's scrolling and laughing through Harry's string of jokes when he feels someone staring at him, he looks up and it's Liam. 

"What?"

Liam shakes his head, "You just, uh, look really happy." He smiles. 

Zayn smiles too, "I think I am."

Liam walks closer to him, "I'm happy for you Zayn, really happy. But I still want you to be careful. I know you, I know how you give away pieces of you to people without thinking of it. I know how you're always sharing your warmth when hearts get cold, how you're kind and I really want you to take care of yourself."

Zayn sighs and walks towards him, "I love you Li. You've always been there to catch me when I stumble. And I'm really happy. Harry just, makes me happy. A lot."

Liam smiles, "I can see that. But Louis has known Harry for a while now and he said Harry had a past, something he doesn't talk about and something even Louis doesn't know. I'm just worried."

"Oh.." Zayn frowns but then shakes his head, "I'm sure if it's anything bad, Harry will talk to me, when he's comfortable. Or if he doesn't, I'll try to get it out of him."

"Yeah, just take care yeah?" 

"Yeah. Love you Li." 

"I love you too although it was pretty gross watching you both make out."

Zayn squints his eyes, "Look who's talking. Like you and Lou don't suck souls through your mouths. I'm surprised he hasn't gulped you in yet."

Liam laughs then.


	11. Just To Be With You

_Pick you at 1. Dress casual, nothing fancy, our clothes might get dirty._

Zayn's been staring at the text for twenty minutes now. There's this bubbling feeling inside him that makes him feel good and worse at the same time.

Zayn's not sure how he ended up with Harry.

 _Harry Styles_ who stumbles on plain surfaces but carries drunk Zayn home with no problem at all.

 _Harry Styles_ who's brighter than the sun with his dimples for everyone to see but looks at Zayn like he's an entire galaxy.

 _Harry styles_ who's confident and sure but is shy and careful with Zayn.

 _Harry styles_ who has pieces of Zayn to himself but has given all of him to Zayn.

"Harry fucking Styles." Zayn mumbles with a shy smile.

-

Apparently dressing _casual_ means Chelsea boots, a weird farmer hat, a long overcoat that looks expensive, a thin sheer shirt inside and tight black jeans.

"What?" Harry's not amused by the look Zayn's giving him.

"Nothing," Zayn shakes his head, "Just love your casual clothes 's all."

Harry pouts, " _Heyyyyy_. I tried okay."

Zayn grins at him and bumps his shoulder with his, "You look pretty Babe."

"Thankyou." He smiles, a beautiful stretch of his lips that has Zayn reaching forward to kiss him.

"Been waiting for that." Harry sighs, eyes closed.

Zayn kisses him again because, "Me too."

-

Harry leads Zayn to a small shop at the corner of the street, a shop Zayn's never heard of. 

It's nothing big as compared to the fancy restaurants in it's neighborhood and Zayn has no clue why they're here until he finds it, _Indian Curry_ on their menu and their specialty.

Zayn stands on his spot, shifting his focus between the shop and Harry, who's smiling like this isn't a big deal.  
Zayn takes his face into his hands, secures it and kisses Harry on the street, firm and emotional.

He licks and bites at Harry's lips and it's desperate because his lips keep wobbling out of emotions but Harry kisses him back and holds him and Zayn's thankful for it because he was definitely going to collapse.

-

Zayn eats most of the curry while Harry sips water after every spoon of curry, with teary eyes and swollen lips.

Zayn kisses him again, rising on his toes slightly and Harry doesn't regret eating curry anymore.

-

Harry leads Zayn by his elbow, walking through another street and Zayn tugs his elbow back and entwines their hands instead.  
Harry doesn't stop talking but Zayn can practically see his face split into a big grin from the corner of his eye.

They stop before a studio, Zayn's seen it, it's used for art competitions and special classes. Harry tugs him inside and Zayn looks at him.

"I heard you like to paint. And I wanted to see you paint. So I thought we could do this and talk and get to know each other so I don't have to get bullied by Lou for every detail about you."

Zayn smiles at him, a wicked idea popping into his mind.

He reaches forward, slowly towards Harry and takes his hat off, Harry starts to whine but Zayn shushes him and drops the hat on the floor. He reaches for his overcoat next and lets it slide down Harry's broad shoulders.  
Harry's eyes widen with each move Zayn makes.

Zayn runs his fingers over Harry's broad shoulders clearly visible through his sheer black shirt and looks at Harry, "May I?"

Harry nods, breathless and stunned.  
Zayn runs his fingers, teasingly slow towards the third button, the first two left undone by Harry. He opens the button and spreads his hand so his fingers rub over the hard ridge of Harry's nipples, slow and deliberate and Harry lets out a choked sound.

Zayn reaches down and fumbles with the other buttons and slides the shirt off of him and then quickly removes his own jumper too.

Harry gulps at Zayn, his skin and tattoos at display, he looks at Zayn, like he's figuring out if he's allowed to make a move yet.

Zayn strides to the small closet in the room and comes back with paints in his hand. He stands before Harry ,  
"I had my first kiss when I was 13.", he whispers and dips his fingers into the paint.

Harry looks at him, not moving at all, nodding at the information and Zayn smiles at him and brings his fingers to Harry's jaw, dragging them down slowly to the base of his neck, painting him green.

"Your turn."

Harry brings forward his trembling fingers and dips them into the red paint, "I worked in a bakery when I was young." Zayn nods assuring and Harry brings his fingers to Zayn's collarbone right below the wings and spreads the paint there, careful and slow, so slow, Zayn's sure his heart will stop beating.

Zayn dips his fingers in yellow paint, "I paint when I'm stressed and can't think of anything," he runs his fingers over Harry's biceps, "it calms me."

"I work for a newspaper, edit articles and stuff. I work mostly from my house." He colours Zayn's ZAP tattoo with blue.

"I kissed a boy for the first time in uni. Didn't end well, he called me names and all. But it never bothered me cause I don't believe in labels." He colours Harry's left nipple orange and the right white.

They laugh, bright eyes and wide smiles.

"I, uh.." he looks at Zayn, "I miss my mom sometimes, no all the time."  
He colours Zayn's stomach pink.

"I miss my family too, there's my mom, dad and three sisters." He colours Harry's dimple a shiny silver and grins at it.

Harry doesn't say anything. Just looks at him.  
"What about your family?" Zayn tries.

"I..I need to go." Harry steps back and in a haste picks up his clothes, wears his overcoat directly on his painted body and in a few large steps, strides out of the studio.

Zayn's head just hangs low and he looks at the hat lying there.


	12. And Fix What I've Broken

The bell jingles for the hundredth time and Zayn eyes still land straight on the door, as quick as the first time since they opened the cafe.

It's a group of girls, probably here for hot chocolate and Zayn deflates again.

He casts his eyes away from the door, escaping Liam's sad stare and starts to jot down their orders. He returns to the counter and holds out the list for Liam. Liam doesn't reach for the paper, Zayn looks up at him and immediately regrets it.

Liam looks at Zayn like he's broken, broken and smashed into tiny pieces of _nothingness_ without a curly man trying to piece them back for him. And Zayn doesn't like it.

Liam doesn't say anything, just looks cautious and sad, almost pitiful, so Zayn attempts a small smile and it doesn't help much but Liam nods and looks away.

 

-

 

The bell jingles again and Zayn's closes his eyes immediately, forceful and tight, so he doesn't let them stray away to the door and let himself crumble into sadness.

"Excuse me?"

Zayn cracks his eyes open and a little girl stands before him. She looks at Zayn with wide eyes but a little smirk, almost notorious but endearing and it reminds him of Harry.

Zayn puts up a smile for her and she smiles back, her smirk melting into a big smile. It's stupid, but her smile immediately makes him feel better.

Zayn leans down towards her where she's standing on the other side of the counter, crouches a little and whispers, "Do you want a cupcake?"

She takes a few seconds but then shakes her head, eyes still wide with amusement.

"Why Miss-"

"Emily." She smiles bright.

"Oh, Miss Emily!"

She nods and brushes her hair out of her eyes.

"I have something for you." She whispers suddenly, leaning a little closer to the counter.

"You do?" Zayn looks amused.

"Yeah." She fetches her pocket for something and lands a note straight onto the counter and brings her other hand to drop a rose on top of it.

She nods towards the note, "That."

Zayn nods, dumbfounded but fond at the same time.

"Bye Zayn!" She yells and turns to leave.

"Wait!" Zayn shrieks and walks around the counter towards her.He sits before her, legs crossed on the floor, "How do you know the note's for me?"

"You have funny drawings on your arms," she nods at his tattoos, "and big eyes."

Zayn nods, still a little moved. "You're really smart Emily." He smiles.

She grins too.

"Don't you want a cupcake?"

She shakes her head and looks at her shoes, "I  have no money."

"You don't need money. This is for being so smart." He brings forward his hand and offers her a pink cupcake with blue and white icing on it.

She grins, " Mummy says I'm smart."

Zayn nods, "You are. Thankyou for being smart Emily."

She laughs and wraps her hands around Zayn's neck and Zayn hugs her back.

"They told me you'd give me a cupcake."

Zayn leans back to look at her, "Who?"

"The boy silly," She licks at her cupcake and deadpans at Zayn when he doesn't nod in understanding. She shakes her head and whispers, "The _note_ boy."

_Oh._

She turns to look at the door and looks at Zayn then, "I should go."

Zayn smiles, "Okay Miss Emily. Good to see you."

But it's all unheard because Emily's already running towards the door but then she turns around and shouts,

"You're a good man Zayn."

And Zayn laughs, really loud.

-

 

Emily's gone and Zayn's chest feels tight again with the note lying on the counter. He picks it up and opens it with trembling fingers, a thousand thoughts going through his mind.

_What if this is a goodbye note? What if he went too far with Harry? What if Harry didn't like him? What if Harry thinks he's stupid because he calls him a Hulk?_

He opens the paper and it has words hastily scribbled on it,

_I messed up. I'm so sorry Zayn, I really am. I panicked. It was terrible of me to do that to you. You deserve to be treated nicely Zayn. I'm sorry. Please let me make it up to you?_

_Pouting at you ( a little sadly),_

_Your Hulk._

And Zayn doesn't know if he's ready for it, to let his guards down, his mind a whirlpool of thoughts, clogging him.

But then he thinks of the wide green eyes and the shy twist of his lips, the thoughtful nods and the stupid smirks, the feel of his lips and the tremble of his lingering fingers and Zayn knows he wants this. _Wants him._


	13. Cause I Need You to See

Zayn walks to his house, the note sitting in his pocket, wrapped around the rose. He hasn't heard from Harry in a week now.

It almost feels like a dream, an imagination, unreal and crooked and Zayn reaches out to touch the note, to believe it's real.

To believe that he met a guy, long limbed and broad structure with the softest smiles and the brightest eyes, who turned around everything and left Zayn confused and broken.

-

Zayn kicks another stone on the path, nearing his apartment and pats his pockets for his keys. His fingers brush against the crisp note again and he sighs, a small _maybe_ blossoms somewhere inside his heart. Maybe, Harry will still want him. Maybe they'll meet again somewhere.

He steps infront of his door and stops. Harry's sitting outside his door, hugging his knees and head hung low.

"Harry?"

He snaps his neck up to look at Zayn and there's something in his gaze, something soft and defeated. He looks almost broken, more than Zayn.

He smiles at Zayn with tears still in his eyes and his nose red and Zayn stops himself from running towards him and engulfing him in a hug.

"Hi, Zayn." He stands up tentatively, testing his limits and slowly moving towards Zayn.

There's something in his hands and Zayn looks at it.

"It's uh, I made your favourite Indian Curry for you. And there's some muffins too, incase the curry isn't good enough. I looked it up online and tried and I understand if you don't want to taste it or take it at all."

He looks at Zayn, steady and shaking at the same time, "But please don't ask me to go. Please don't make me go Zayn. _Please_." The last words come out in whispers. 

Zayn shakes his head and reaches straight for the door, unlocks it and opens it.   
He glances over his shoulder before going in, a sign for Harry, thankfully he gets it and enters Zayn's apartment.

Zayn's stands a few feet away from the door and Harry's closing it, with a small click and stands glued to his spot near the door, unsure and small.

The silence clutches at Zayn's heart and mind, he has too many questions to ask but nothing comes out.

Behind him, Harry tries again, "Babe?"

The next moment Harry's gasping out loud because Zayn has him pushed against the door, his body holding Harry in place and his hands on both sides of Harry's face, fingers digging hard and his lips close to Harry's. _Too_ _close_ , close enough that if Harry tries to lick his lips, he could taste Zayn's too.

They breathe against each other's mouths, heavy and hot. Harry tilts his head a little and their foreheads are touching.

Zayn visibly relaxes against Harry and lets his forehead rest against his.

They stay still for a while, none of them wanting to break the moment and then Zayn whispers, right against Harry's lips, each word leaving his lips and catching onto Harry's, "Do you want me Harry? Do you want this?"

And Harry lets out a choked noise, something between a sob and a sigh.

"Do you?" Zayn whispers again.

"Yes. Yes. Yes. God. Yes Zayn. _You_. _Always_. Just _you_." Harry lets his tears slide.

The tear slides down his cheek slowly and Zayn rubs his face against Harry's, so his tears stain Zayn's cheeks too.

Zayn drags his mouth slowly, tracing Harry's upper lip, a light brush of his lips with Harry's, drags them slowly to his cheek and breathes against his cheek again, like it's painful, all of it, too much.

" _Zayn_ , please babe." Harry cries.

So Zayn presses his lips on his cheeks, firm and demanding, kissing his cheek and leans back from him.

Harry has his eyes still closed, tears running down and shoulders slumped.

Zayn wraps his fingers around Harry's wrist, "Come on babe."

-

Zayn's slurping the curry with a huge grin on his face, Harry sitting right across him on the couch.

"You like it?"

"Hmmph!" Zayn hums loud and Harry laughs at the curry that dribbles down his chin.

-

They're having muffins, soft and mushy and Zayn groans, "These are so good Harry."

"Thankyou." He smiles.

"Trying to bribe me Styles?" Zayn teases.

Harry shakes his head,"Call me that."

Zayn frowns, "What?"

Harry blushes, "Hulk."

Zayn laughs, throwing his head back and shifts towards Harry, straddles him, his thighs on both sides and Harry trapped between.

He slides his finger from Harry's jaw to his chin and lifts his face up, leans in close and whispers just against his lips, "My Hulk." And kisses him.


	14. That You Are The Reason

It's funny Zayn thinks, how the universe works, how it rattles every door to your heart until you let the person meant to be in. It's funny because some people fit in, easy and smooth, meant to be. It's funny because Zayn could never imagine falling for someone like Harry but the universe worked it's wonders and here they are.

Harry's sat back on Zayn's bed, with his back against the headboard, in an obnoxious pose laughing at himself and Zayn's drawing him, sitting at the edge of the bed. 

Zayn works on the curve of his cheek, the curve Zayn loves to trace, the curve only Zayn gets to see, when Harry smiles the shy and bashful smile at him.

"I'm actually enjoying this." Harry grins.

Zayn snorts, " Ofcourse you are Styles. You're a narcissist."

"And you love that." He winks.

Zayn grins, his tongue poking out in concentration, "Maybe."

"Please get my hair right, I work hard on them." Harry flips his hair and gets a pen thrown at him.

"You know you'll have to return the favour and draw me sometime." Zayn says still working on his dimple.

"I don't draw."

Zayn senses the emotion behind those words and looks up. Harry's grin is wiped from his face, he's sitting cross legged on Zayn's bed, looking at the corner of the room.

Zayn decides to wait, to let Harry explain. He doesn't speak for a while, just keeps looking at the corner of the room. But then,

"I used to draw alot when I was seven. Loved it. Dad used to help me with it, fetch me pens, correct me, appreciate my random lines, ruffle my hair and pin it to the fridge." Harry smiles sadly, still not looking at Zayn.

"What happened?" Zayn whispers.

"He started drinking, sleeping around, abusing mum, got violent with us and-" Harry shudders.

Zayn rushes to him, hugs him from the side and presses small kisses to his shoulder.

"It's okay, we don't have to talk abou-"

"He killed mum. He killed her Zayn. Right infront of me. I was _there_." Harry sobs violently.

Zayn freezes for a second, still processing it. He stays still, stays like that until he feels a tear sliding down his own cheek.

He wipes at it and holds Harry tight, a hand around his waist and the other on his shoulder, nosing his neck and whispering, "It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Harry. I'm sorry. I'm here. You have me."

Harry nods, face tucked into Zayn's shoulder, still crying.

"I'm sorry for leaving that day Zayn. I-I'm so sorry. I just panicked and didn't know what to say and you looked at me like I am important, like I matter and all of it became overwhelming."

"You are babe, you are. You are important." Zayn rocks him back and forth, holding him tight.

Harry shakes his head and hugs Zayn closer. He shifts and Zayn's confused, doesn't understand what Harry wants, until Harry pushes him back on the bed and straddles him, and then they're kissing.

Kissing with Harry still crying, Zayn tastes salt on his lips and sucks on them, until they taste like Harry.

Harry gasps and pulls back, resting his forehead on Zayn's cheek and Zayn kisses his head,   
"You're so important Harry. You're kind and soft and beautiful and you carry me home when I'm drunk and you love it when I call you my Hulk and you love when I draw you, because you're a narcissist and you trip over every step and you _see_ me Harry," Harry leans back and looks at him, "You really _look_ at me, make me feel like I exist, like I'm bright and it's so beautiful. You're beautiful when you laugh, you're beautiful when you smirk and you're beautiful now when you've got snot all over your face."

Harry laughs then, this throaty giggle, and wipes his face at Zayn's shoulder.

"There, gave you some of my beauty." He smiles.

And Zayn fake gasps, "Move."

Harry frowns, "Why?"

"Let me go see if I already look like a Vogue model."

Harry shakes his head and bumps his nose with Zayn's, "More like a Gucci one."

Zayn grins. "Harry?"

"Hmm." Harry's tracing Zayn's collarbone with his fingers.

"Who was that guy, the one you met at the café that day?"

"Oh, he's Shawn. A childhood friend, played together all the time. He's a psychiatrist now."

"Hm. So you guys met after a long time?"

"Yeah, we talked on the phone. But he moved here recently so we met and he wanted to check up on me. He, actually helped me after-"

Zayn nods, and combs his fingers through Harry's hair, pushing them back from his forehead. And kisses his forehead, "You're okay babe. I got you."

Harry closes his eyes and smiles. He nuzzles into Zayn's neck and sighs.   
"I like you Zayn, _so_ much."

"I'd like you more Harry if you'd stop suffocating me with your weight." Zayn teases.

Harry tangles their legs together too then, and hugs Zayn tighter, "You _looovvvvve_ it."

Zayn laughs, "Maybe."


	15. There Goes My Hand Shaking

"Lou!" Liam warns and Louis just laughs in return and ends up smearing the icing on his face anyway.   
Liam tries to look mad but Louis immediately licks it off and Liam blushes, sneaking looks at Zayn.

Zayn just rolls his eyes and Liam blushes even more.

Zayn thinks about Harry then, about them, what they are and what it means. He remembers smearing a cupcake on Harry's nose and licking it, right there, near the counter and Harry blushing. A smile finds his way onto his face and Zayn shakes his head because he probably looks like a maniac smiling to himself like that.

A lot has changed between the two of them, since Harry's broken down his walls and told Zayn about his family. Zayn still has questions, he's still curious, wants to know it better, know Harry better and be there for him but for the time being, he's just happy that Harry let it out.

Harry has become a lot more touchy and Zayn can't complain. He's never felt the need for a touch so much, never needed someone's warmth so much.

It's Harry. All of it. A warm ball of sunshine and Zayn wants to melt in it's warmth, surrender all of him, his bones and his flesh, his heart and his veins, his mind and his thoughts.

-

Liam's still eating his lunch with Louis on his lap and Zayn's almost sick of them. The café isn't busy enough and Liam's smiling, been smiling like that the entire day, after a long time, so Zayn let's them be and handles the counter himself. 

"Oi Malik!" Louis yells.

Zayn's head snaps up, "What?"

"The coffee machine's making those weird masturbating noises again. Go check it while I eat Li- I mean we eat the food here."

Zayn gives him a look.

"Pleaaasee." Louis fans his lashes.

"Fine." Zayn mutters.

-

Zayn enters the kitchen and the machine's growling.

He turns it off and tries to inspect it when a hand snakes it's way around his waist and a warm mouth attaches itself to his neck.

"Fucking Hell!" Zayn turns back and Harry grins at him, standing close.

"Hey."

"Are you kidding me Harry! I stopped breathing for a second!" Zayn breathes harshly.

"Aww, I know I'm breathtaking but-"

"What!" Zayn looks at him, exasperated.

Harry's dimples poke out in a slow smile and he pushes Zayn, slowly, against the wall, "Missed you."

Zayn sighs loudly against Harry's lips, heart still racing, looks up at him, "How'd you even get in here?"

"I have my ways." He smirks.

Zayn gives him a look and Harry crumbles, "Okay Lou let me in while you were in the bathroom."

Zayn rolls his eyes and Harry presses his body against him, closer.

"I said," he kisses Zayn's nose, "I missed you."

Zayn smiles, "I know."

Harry pouts, "You didn't say it back." He huffs.

Zayn reaches out and squishes Harry's cheeks, pulls them together, "I missed you, so much Styles." He kisses Harry's pouting lips and leans back.

"Yeah?" Harry teases, his lips skim their way to Zayn's neck, and he licks a long stripe over the long line of Zayn's neck, his tongue wet and warm.

Zayn groans and holds onto Harry's biceps. "Yeah.",  he breathes out.

Harry licks his neck again and then bites, a little harshly at the base of his neck. Zayn hisses loudly and pulls Harry closer.

He feels Harry smirking against his skin.

So, Zayn drags his mouth to Harry's ear and bites gently on his earlobe, teeth catching on the sensitive skin there and dragging his lips to the spot a little behind his ear and Harry shudders against him.

Zayn smirks now, he just found Harry's sweet spot, and licks at it, slow and teasing. Harry breathes harshly against his neck.

A ragged " _Umpph_ " leaves his mouth.

"You should come back to my house tonight." Zayn whispers.

"Yeah?" Harry leans back.

"Yeah." Zayn grins and bumps his nose with Harry's.

"Does that mean I'm getting dessert tonight?" Harry wiggles his eyebrows.

"Maybe." Zayn smirks and Harry groans, "Ughhh, your maybe 's gonna kill me someday Zayn."

"Bring some wine Styles." Zayn scrunches his nose and taps his cheek.


	16. And You Are The Reason

Zayn's heating up the chicken in the oven when his doorbell goes off. He grins and strides towards the door, stands just before it and smoothens his hair. He's in a pair of loose jeans and a low cut t-shirt, dipping to his collarbones.

He opens the door and Harry's grinning at the other side, in a loose white t-shirt and skinny black jeans.   
"Hello Mr. Malik."

And his eyes do that thing where they're a little more green, a little more bright, inviting and challenging all at once, the thing which makes Zayn want to engulf and envelop Harry and never let go.

Zayn nods, "Mr. Styles you look great."

Harry smiles his teasing-all dimples and wide teeth-smile, "Not as much as you."

Zayn hates himself for going red then and leans back to let Harry in. Harry enters with a bottle of wine, which Zayn hadn't noticed before and nods at him.

"It smells really good in here."

Zayn looks over his shoulder and flips a non - existent strand of hair and Harry let out a loud laugh.

-

They eat their food sneaking glances at each other throughout and with occasional brushing of their feet together. Harry feels a lot more loose with all the wine he had or maybe it's not the wine, maybe it's Zayn. Zayn with his wide bambi eyes and huge smile, who's goofy and shy at the same time. Zayn who's always pouting but also smiles at the little things.   
Yeah, maybe it is _Zayn_.

"Tea?" Zayn offers, standing near the kitchen sink.

"Yes please." Harry smiles and settles on the couch.

Harry finds a newspaper folded and kept neatly on the table lined up with the couch. He reaches out for it and it's his article, an article he wrote on _kindness and it's wonders_ , and a small smile blooms on his face.

"Narcissist." Zayn snorts.

Harry's eyes gleam, "You read my work."   
And Harry looks young, so young, Zayn's almost reminded of his childhood. Of how he used to paint and rush to his grandfather with his work.   
Zayn remembers feeling the nerves, standing with his hands behind his back, waiting while his dadu used to gaze at his work. But he was lucky, because he always got it, the appreciation, the delicate but proud pat on his shoulder.

So when Harry looks at him now, his wit crumbles and he smiles and nods, "It was beautiful." Harry grins even wider.

He goes on about another article he's writing and Zayn can't help but look at him. And that's when he jumps back because he poured hot tea over his hand.

Harry rushes to him with wide eyes, takes in Zayn's hand and puts it under the cold water running through the sink. He grabs for ice packs from the fridge, all in a haste and he's so nervous, Zayn feels it from where his hands are shaking, trembling.

"Hey, Harry. It's okay. 'm okay."

Harry deflates then and pulls Zayn towards the couch.

-

Harry's still rubbing the ice pack on Zayn's hand, in slow, careful circles. They haven't spoken in the last few minutes.   
Harry's still shaking and Zayn can't help but feel a pinch inside his chest at the sight.

"I think it's okay now Harry. Your fingers are going to be numb. I'm okay."

Harry looks up, "I knew it the first time I saw you."

"What?"

"That I'd do anything for you, anything you said. Anything but leave. That I had to stay, that I wanted this, _you_."

Zayn doesn't think then and shifts quickly so he's on Harry's lap, straddling him and kisses him. Harry immediately responds and pulls him closer, hands on his ass.

The contact rips out a broken sound out of Zayn's throat and Harry trails his cold fingers up Zayn's t-shirt, hot against cold, Zayn hisses and bites at Harry's bottom lip.

Harry leans back a little, his bottom lip still caught between Zayn's teeth and groans, Zayn lets it go.

"Zayn, I.."

Zayn brushes his curls out of his eyes, "You what?"

"I... want my dessert."

Zayn grins, "Okay."

Harry's eyes widen, "Okay?"

Zayn shrugs, "Okay."

Harry trails his fingers up Zayn's waist, through his lean torso and takes off his t-shirt with a purpose clear in his eyes. He looks at Zayn like he can't get enough.

He reaches forward and latches his mouth to Zayn's nipple and twists the other one between his thumb and forefinger. Zayn moans, a shameless loud sound, and rakes his fingers through Harry's hair and pulls at them with each stroke of wetness on his nipple.

Zayn starts to become restless when Harry sucks bruises on his neck.

Zayn shifts closer and rubs himself against Harry where he's already hard and leaking. They rub against each other, Zayn's head tucked into Harry's neck, panting loudly.

Harry pops open Zayn's jeans, "Zayn, I.."

"Yes please." He replies breathlessly.

Harry nods and reaches for his boxers and tugs out his cock in his hand, _thick_ and _veined_. He licks his lips and looks up at Zayn, hair all messed up and eyes hooded. He runs his hand up and down Zayn's cock, slow and raw.

Zayn hisses loudly and throws his head back. Harry spits on his hand and wraps his hand around Zayn's cock again, fast and hard, rubs his thumb over his slit with a little _sting_ of his nail and Zayn's cock leaks precum.

Harry rubs his hand, fast and panting himself, Zayn reaches out and opens Harry's jeans. He yanks out Harry's leaking cock.

" _Zayynn_.."

"Yeah," Zayn licks his lips, "Let me just.." he wraps his hand around Harry.   
Harry quickens his movements and Zayn's hand drops from Harry's cock, his mouth open, his thighs quivering.

"Zayyynn... _please_..just."

"Yeah.. _fuck_." He grits out and reaches for Harry's cock again and with a slight twist of his wrist, rubs at Harry's cock, up and down, fast and hot.

Zayn's quickening his pace when Harry stops him, he looks up and Harry nods at him.

Harry brings both their cocks together, against each other, slick and raw, skin on skin, wet and hot, hard and delicate, Zayn curses at the contact.

He immediately kisses Harry. Harry sticks his tongue inside Zayn's mouth and thrusts it, in-out and Zayn's mouth goes slack.

He breathes inside Harry's mouth, hot breath puffing inside the wet curve of Harry's evil mouth.

Harry's cock leaks, and the liquid dribbles over Zayn's cock, making Zayn jerk so Harry's cock comes in contact with the hard surface of Zayn's stomach and rubs against it, "Fuck _Harry_!"

Zayn comes all over Harry's hand and Harry leaks all over Zayn's stomach with a drawled, " _Zaynnn_."

They breathe against each other's mouths, panting heavily, mouth on mouth, until Harry grins suddenly and Zayn's kissing his teeth.

It makes them laugh, hiding their faces in each other's necks and breathing heavily, hands entwined. 


	17. My Heart Keeps Bleeding

Zayn's a little antsy today, with the nerves kicking in. He can't quite put on a finger on what it is but he can't get anything right today.

Or maybe he does know it, his conversation with Liam ringing in his mind.

_"Z, why haven't you been to his place yet?"_

His shift's almost ending and he itches to run out of the café and hide somewhere, hide himself and probably smoke his nerves out. His phone buzzes.

_As much as I find you_ _cuuutee_ _right now. I'd rather prefer a smile on your face._

Zayn looks up immediately and Harry's standing near the door, leaning against it's frame, ankles crossed and a signature cheeky grin etched on his face.

Zayn breathes, a deep loud sigh and his shoulder loosen up. Harry strides towards him and Zayn's feet buckle from how weak he feels at the sight.

"Hey. Babe you okay?" Harry pinches his eyebrows in confusion.

Zayn nods, absentmindedly. "Yeah, just tired probably."

Harry smiles, "Good thing I've got my car. I'll take you back to your place yeah? Probably make you tea, _without_ burning myself." He smirks.

Zayn grins, a loose, silly smile. "Don't blame me Styles. You know exactly what you do to me."

Harry leans forward and presses a kiss to Zayn's cold nose, "Nothing you don't do to me."  
-

They're driving towards his place and Zayn's still antsy.

"Babe, are you sure you're okay?" Harry sneaks a glance at him.

Zayn stills, "Um, I was wondering like, can we go back to yours tonight?"

The tapping of Harry's ring clad fingers on the steering wheel stills and his jaw tenses.   
"Why?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to see your place. I just don't feel like going back to mine. Plus we've never been there together." Zayn spares a side look at Harry and he's still not moving.

"I don't know if we can Zayn." Harry mutters.

"Why not?"

"I haven't cleaned up Zayn. It's all a mess!"

"It doesn't matter Harry." Zayn's ticked.

"God why can't you let it the fuck go Zayn!" Harry almost yells.

And he's so worked up that Zayn flinches at his words but quickly regains his composure and nods, a tight clenched nod and turns away from him.

-

They reach Zayn's apartment and Zayn gets off the car and strides inside without looking back at Harry.

Harry stays on his seat, sighing loudly, hands trembling. He gets out and follows Zayn inside.

"Zayn babe." Zayn stops in his tracks and turns back.

"No Harry don't! Why can't we go back to your place? What is it that you're hiding from me?" He takes slow deliberate steps towards Harry.

Harry opens his mouth and then closes it, lips pressed together in a line and jaw clenched.

"Zayn please, let's just not-"

"Why not Harry? We've been dating for weeks now and we're always either at the cafe or in here. Why can't I go back to yours for once?" Zayn's throat hurts from yelling.

"Fuck's sake Zayn. It's not even a big deal."

Zayn laughs, a bitter laugh. "Not a big deal? I fucking let you in my apartment everyday, without a doubt. And you won't even let me see your place."

"Well I need my fucking space Zayn. I can't have you go with me everywhere. Stop fucking crying like a child!"

Zayn's jaw drops, lips parted, a shaky breath leaves his mouth and he runs a trembling hand through his hair, edges of it poking into his eyes. He moves his hair out of his eyes, fingers shaking.

"Zayn-" Harry whispers and steps forward with an arm extended towards him.

"Get out Harry. Enjoy your fucking space out of my place." He grits out, staring at a crack on the wall right behind Harry's head, refusing to look at Harry.

Because looking at him would make it all real, the truth screaming at Zayn's face, that his Harry with the gangly limbs and soft smiles and tender eyes, shook something ugly inside him.

He turns to head towards the kitchen and sets the pot on the stove with fingers still quivering and unco-ordinating. 

Harry stares at him, Zayn can feel his eyes on himself, but then strides out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Zayn shudders then, braces himself against the counter and lets his body loose, toes curled in his shoes and legs wobbly.

The thing is Liam says it always, Zayn gives away pieces of himself way too easily and when the slamming of the door rattles something inside him, Zayn thinks Liam might be right after all.   
  
  



	18. I Need You Now

It's too bright outside, everything just too glowing and cheerful for Zayn's mood. He's tired and grumpy from turning and tossing the entire night and smoking half a pack of his Marlboro.

He calls off work and spends the entire day roaming uselessly around his apartment, tugging at his hair in frustration.

He scratches his nails against the roughness of his jeans, agitated and unsettled. He grabs his phone and checks it again, nothing.

Zayn expected Harry to reach out, to fight, to hold on, to pull Zayn back but Harry hasn't, not yet and the rage and misery makes Zayn want to yell, call Harry and yell until he knows Zayn's hurting, until he hears Zayn breaking.

Zayn doesn't even know when Harry became a part of him.   

Harry is the rush Zayn feels to his fingertips and toes and Harry is  the dull throbbing ache in his pulse, vibrating in his chest, hurting.

Harry is the first ray of the Sun, warm and comforting and the last ray of it, covered in an orange glow but cold and shivering. 

Harry is the first drag of a joint, loose and settling and he is the last drag of a joint, punishing and addicting.

Zayn scrambles to his living room and splays his paints out, dipping his fingers into them to stop their tremble.

-

Zayn's phone buzzes, he looks up from his canvas, tucked between his spread legs and there's a text notification.

**Drinks night Malik?**

_Can i skip?_

**Well it might be new to you but there's a world outside and you've got moving organs covered with skin and muscles called** **'friends'** **. And your friends get worried. So get the fuck out of that stinky apartment.**

_Excuse you! My apartment's not stinky._

**Really Malik? Get yo ass here Bradford.**

Zayn laughs and shakes his head.

-

Zayn's tapping his foot nervously against his seat in the cab. He taps at the pack of cigarette in his pocket and relaxes a tad bit. He's late but when he reaches the club and spots his 'friends', they're already tipsy.

"Zayn my boy, I missed you!" Niall's pissed, laughing and face red, eyes shining with tears. Zayn hugs him and pats his shoulder, cause it's Niall, easy and warm.

Liam hugs Zayn and whispers a 'Are you okay?' to which Zayn nods because he can be okay, he will be.

Louis smacks his ass and greets him, Zayn just flips him off and-

"I got drinks."

Zayn stills, looks around and it's Harry, his mouth open and eyes comically wide. He's a bit drunk, Zayn can see and he looks sad, like a cat, small and harmless.

"Hi." Harry tries with a small smile.

Zayn just nods at him and heads to the bar. Over the loud buzzing of the music, Zayn hears his heart beat loud and vibrating.

"You alone?"

Zayn turns to the sound to meet hazel eyes, almost the same colour as his, broad shoulders, height an inch taller than him, hair in a quiff with frosted ends and pink lips, licked and bitten.

"Yeah mate."

The guy pouts, "Don't mate me. Rather mate _with_ me." He wiggles his eyebrows.

An involuntary guffaw leaves Zayn's mouth,"You did not just say that!"

The guy looks sheepish, "I'm sorry that was pretty bad."

Zayn nods grinning, "It was _mate_."

The guy laughs, with his head thrown back, "I'm Ant."

"Zayn." He smiles.

"You're pretty Zayn." He bumps his shoulder with Zayn.

Zayn ducks his head and smiles, "Thanks. And you're quite _matey_ Ant."

Ant grins, this crinkled smile, "You're bad at this too." Zayn pouts and shrugs.

-

Ant's amazing, he's funny and smart and has a taste for superheroes like Zayn. Zayn finds it easy to talk to him, his nerves completely disappearing and every sip of alcohol makes him loose.

Zayn's laughing at Ant's another try at a poor pick up line when he feels a grip on his bicep.

"Bathroom." The voice whispers and it's demanding, almost mad. Zayn knows it's Harry, the unmistakable rasp of his voice, the grip loosens and Zayn's left with Ant.

Ant pinches his brows at Zayn, concerned probably, Zayn shakes his head and attempts a small smile, but his blood rushes through his entire body, hot and fast.


	19. If I Could Turn Back The Clock

Zayn enters the bathroom and it's dimly lit, a weak blue glow inside with a weak buzz of the music vibrating inside. The light and the buzz makes Zayn's head spin, his heart beating hard, his throat closing and he looks around to find Harry near the sink, hunched low, head hung.

"Harry?"

Harry looks up at him through the mirror, the look on his face causes an ugly twist inside Zayn's chest and turns around slowly to face Zayn. He walks towards Zayn, his eyes shine with something fierce and Zayn takes a step backward.

Zayn stumbles back until his back hits the cold tiles of the wall and a chill runs down his back, Harry moving towards him all this while. Harry crowds Zayn against the wall with his hands on the wall caging Zayn.

He looks at Zayn for a moment, his eyes wide and licks his lips in an obscene way and ducks his head then, his lips skimming Zayn's jaw.

Zayn gasps, "Harr- _Unghh_ "

He nips at Zayn's jaw and licks the spot, wet and hot, and moves towards Zayn's neck. He noses along the long line of Zayn's neck, breathes him in and whispers, "Do you want him Zayn?"

When Zayn doesn't say anything except breathing, harsh and heavy, Harry bites at his neck, sucks at the spot until Zayn groans, a deep growl ripping out of his throat.

"Do you want him to fuck you Zayn? Do you want to fuck him?"  
He licks at the same spot, tongue curling up and down. Zayn bucks his hips at it, pushing at Harry's hips but Harry pushes him back into the wall, holding him there, their bodies aligned together.

Zayn breathes a ragged " _nuu-uuh_ " against Harry's ear and Harry smirks.

He looks up at Zayn, right into his eyes, close enough so their lips touch, just a light brush of them together when he speaks again, "Who then? Who do you want?"

Zayn almost cries, a frustrated cry and bucks his hip again against Harry's. Harry lets his hand travel down to the front of Zayn's jeans and rubs it against Zayn's hard length and stops, " _Who_?"

"You, Only you. I want you Harry." Zayn opens his eyes and blinks away the tears to look at Harry. Harry's looking back at him, all the smugness slipping away into a raw emotion, lips parted and wobbling.

Zayn reaches his hands up to cup Harry's face, thumbs on his cheekbones and fingers casing his jaw. Zayn feels wetness around Harry's eyes, he leans forward and licks the tears off from his cheekbones.

"You, Harry, always you." He whispers against his mouth.

Harry opens his eyes, looks at Zayn and rubs his hand, in a slow and firm motion against Zayn's jeans. Zayn lets his head fall back against the wall and makes a choked noise.

Harry sucks another spot on his neck and rubs his hand faster, "What do you want Zayn? Tell me." His voice scratchy and ragged, "I'd do anything. Tell me."

Zayn looks at him, rubs his thumb over his cheekbone and whispers, "All of it. All of you."

Harry groans and reaches for Zayn's zipper, he yanks out his dick, and almost cries at the feeling of Zayn in his hand, hard and wanting.

"You. I..-" Zayn scrambles and reaches out for Harry's jeans, shoves his hand down and jerks his dick out. Harry slumps against him at the feeling, forehead resting on Zayn's shoulder, biting at his collarbone.

Zayn spits on his hand and curves his fingers to wrap around Harry and pumps him, slow. He reaches down and cups Harry's balls and Harry shouts his name, voice raspy and rough and it puts Zayn more on the edge, he jerks Harry off , faster, sliding his foreskin up and down.

Harry does the same, pumps Zayn faster without any lubrication, raw and rough, Zayn whimpers and shivers, he mutters a muffled " _FUCK_ Harry!" against Harry's curls.

"Zayn, fuck fuck _fuck_ , please Zayn, _please_." Harry cries and the next second he's spilling hot white spurts into Zayn's fist and his arm, right over the ZAP tattoo.

It takes a few lazy pumps and a bite to his collarbone with a ragged " _Mine_ " from Harry for Zayn to spill and reach his orgasm.

They breathe against each other, sweaty and sticky but still linked together, holding on and that's all Zayn's ever wanted.

Zayn wipes his hand off on his jeans and cups Harry face, pulls him up to look at him, Harry's eyes are almost closed, drooping with the alcohol.

He runs his fingers down to Harry's neck and Harry winces. Zayn looks at the spot and there's a bluish mark there, a hickey probably and Zayn's sure he didn't do that.

Zayn goes rigid, "What happened here Harry?"

Harry shakes his head and hugs Zayn close, "I missed you." He hiccups and Zayn feels wetness around his neck.

"Harry?"

"I, I just missed you." He hiccups again.

Zayn pulls him up again, wipes the tears. "Tell me Harry, who did that?"

"I, I don't..Zayn please." And he slumps against Zayn, passed out.


	20. I'd Make Sure

Zayn blinks his eyes, a couple times and breathes, lets everything settle in his mind. The haze of waking up, the tiredness in his bones and a particular point near his neck throbbing.

He runs his fingers over it and hisses, it comes down to him, last night. His eyes fly open and hears a flutter of paper.

An involuntary smile finds its way to the curve of his lips, he reaches for the paper stuck on his forehead and looks at it :

_Hi. x_

Zayn grins at it and pulls himself up from the bed, pads to his kitchen, eyes searching for Harry. He makes sure to check the couch first this time, with a sleepy, loose grin but there's no one. The grin slips off of his face, his head hangs low and with a deep sigh he turns back to his room.

He slumps onto the bed, on his stomach and his face tucked into the sheets, huffs and thinks about last night, about Harry, about the bathroom, the feeling of Harry in his hands and Harry's mouth on his skin, biting and licking.

An involuntary sound leaves his mouth and he shifts a little on his bed, rubbing himself against the velvety softness of the sheet, one hand reaching out to stroke the mark Harry left on his neck, the soreness of it makes Zayn's dick fatten up painfully against his briefs, the other hand clenched around a pillow, scratching and clenching.

He rubs against the sheet again, slow and hard, his dick curving and loosening in a delicious way, another whimper leaves his mouth. He moves again, breathless and wanting, trying to rub harder when-

"Zayn?"

He stills. _Fuck_.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

 _Fuck_ Zayn thinks. He quickly shakes his head, still tucked into the sheets.

"Zayn?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Uhn-huh."

"Oh."

 _Silence_.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Zayn sits up at that and quickly tucks the pillow on his lap. Harry looks at him wide eyed, cautious.

Zayn's sure he's red and Harry standing in just his skinny jeans, hair wet and dripping, isn't helping either. He clears his throat and pats the spot near him, Harry takes the hint, nods and sits next to him.

Harry smells like him, his curls hang low, almost getting caught in his eyes, and he's fiddling with his fingers, head hung low.  
Zayn has to clench his hands together to stop himself from reaching out and touching him, from running his fingers from the broad expanse of his shoulders to his small waist, from licking and biting every inch of his skin until it's written there in shades of blues and purples, _mine_.

Marks, _oh_.

"Uh, you were quite drunk last night." Zayn squeaks.

Harry looks at him, "Yeah, I'm sorry. I just-" he breathes, "missed you, alot."

Zayn nods, "I missed you." The way Harry brightens up at that, Zayn thinks he'd probably draw him one day, the way Harry glows right now, all raw and bright.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. Th-the house is.. it holds a lot of bad memories for me..you know, uh, like my childhood and stuff and when I'm here with you, or anywhere really... but with you..I feel free, I feel loved. A-and I wasn't ready to take you there, it's like my two worlds colliding. I-"

Zayn threads his fingers through Harry's damp curls, massaging a little, Harry still looking at him, almost crying. He rests his hand on the nape of Harry's neck and strokes the skin there, "It's okay babe. It's okay. I'm sorry for pushing you. I'm really sorry."

Harry nods, physically deflating and smiling a little loose.

Zayn leans in then and kisses him on his cheek, a soft press of his lips and he feels Harry's dimple forming beneath his lips and it makes him smile too.

He drags his lips to Harry's jaw, "I really missed you" and kisses him there.

" _Zayn_." Harry chokes out, like a silent prayer.

Zayn pulls him closer and nips at the skin just below his ear earning another moan. He ducks a little lower and before he can set his lips on the skin there, he sees it. The mark.

It doesn't look like a hickey now, when Zayn looks at it in broad daylight. More of a bruise, a harsh touch.

Zayn touches it, "Who did this?"

Harry breathes, a little ragged and heavy, "I, might have gotten into a fight?"

"Why?"

"It was stupid. I was just frustrated at myself and yeah."

Zayn pulls back to look at Harry and Harry's staring at the wall ahead.   
And even in the harsh light of the day, with a distant look on his face, Harry's beautiful.

Zayn nips at his lower lip, tugs at it until Harry gasps and laughs altogether and the giggles that surround them are nothing less than a beautiful love song.


	21. The Light Defeated The Dark

Zayn wakes up with the urge to pee. He strides to the bathroom in a hurry and hears the sound of the shower running. Zayn taps impatiently at the door,   
"Babe?"

"Yeah?" comes Harry's voice.

"I really need to pee. Like really fucking need to."

"The door's open. Come in."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Zayn, until you're not here to kill me for using your shower, I'm sure."

Zayn pushes the door and walks into the bathroom. It's all foggy from the steam and Zayn quickly pees and goes over to the sink.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?" Zayn says.

" _You can come in if you_ _wannnt_ _._ " he yells in a singsong  voice.

"Harry?" Zayn says slowly.

"Yeah?" and Zayn can tell Harry's breathing harshly, waiting for an answer.

" _Have fun showering_ _alonnne_ _."_ Zayn sings back.

"Ass!" Zayn hears Harry mutter and leaves the bathroom with a grin.

-

Zayn's making them eggs and toast when Harry comes walking to the kitchen in Zayn's clothes. They fit, but Harry looks awkward and cute at the same time.

Zayn gives him a sly smile and Harry shies.

"Let me do this." Harry bumps his hip with Zayn's and Zayn immediately moves out of the way.

Harry cooks effortlessly, unlike all the clumsiness he carries around, cooking is something he does rather gracefully .

"So domestic." Zayn teases him and Harry blushes at the word.

"Don't distract me Malik. I'm hungry." Harry playfully glares back.

Zayn grins and comes closer, until he's pressed sideways to Harry and noses along his neck and jaw,   
" _Mmhh_ , you smell really good."

"Zayn, no, I really want-." Harry whispers.

"What do you want babe?" Zayn whispers.

"I..really want eggs." Harry finishes.

Zayn guffaws a loud laugh at that.   
"Are you sure?" He looks amused.

"I'm hungry okay." Harry tries to hide his flushed face. "And I thought you were too Malik." He challenges.

Zayn nods then, "Yeah, I am."

Harry hands him over a plate of eggs and toast and Zayn smiles, leans in and kisses Harry on the cheek.

Zayn lets his lips linger on his cheek until he feels Harry's cheek shift and a dimple forming beneath his lips.

-

Zayn's reading a book, sprawled on the couch with his ankles on Harry's lap, sitting at the other end. Harry's blabbering about how he should probably make dinner instead of ordering and how it'll be healthy for Zayn and Zayn's nodding at the right places.

Harry goes quiet then, tracing Zayn's ankle with his fingers, lost in his thoughts. He remains quiet for a while and it doesn't bother Zayn too much because over the time he's learnt to give Harry his time and space when he goes quiet, eventually, Harry does come back.

Harry switches on the television and searches through different channels and Zayn sighs and goes back to reading.

"Zayn."  
..  
"Zayynnn?"

Zayn tilts his head and raises his brows at Harry.

"I want you, now."

Zayn's eyes widen and the book slips from his hands and lands straight on his lap, on his dick and he winces, but doesn't leave Harry's eyes.

Harry looks serious, well he's trying to look a little sultry and seductive probably Zayn guesses from the way he's licking his lips, but Zayn can't move.

"You what?"

"I. Want. You. Now."

"Ok-" Zayn's cut off by the doorbell.

None of them look away, Harry looks at him piercingly firm and still and Zayn doesn't move too.

Harry looks at him, up and down and nods, "I'll get that." And Zayn does nothing but gulp.

-

"Hiya lads!" Louis' loud voice booms through the apartment and if Zayn tries, he thinks he can hear a faint 'hi' from Liam too. Great.

"Oi Oi Malik!" Louis lands on the couch with a jump.

Zayn's too bummed to respond, he nods and tries a quick smile.

"Aww, look at you jumping in excitement. Aren't you welcoming."

Zayn flips him off.

-

They're too drunk, well all of them but Liam because Liam has to be the responsible one always. And given that Louis can't stop jumping around, Zayn gets it.

Zayn calls Louis and shows him the rolled joints and Louis comes crawling towards him. They sit in a circle on the floor, passing joints, which Liam takes gratefully. But then it's Harry's turn and Louis' passing it to him but Harry passes it over to Zayn, looking at him expectedly.

Zayn gets it. Harry opens his arms for Zayn, who obliges and settles on his lap. He pulls Zayn closer by his waist, closer until their chests touch.

"Ready?" Zayn looks down at Harry, his hair falling forward on his forehead. And his voice soft, everything about him is.

Harry looks at him, chin tilted up, and nods.

Zayn takes in a long hit, his chin tilted up like he's taking in the smoke deep and then he's looking down at Harry, carefully placing his one hand on the nape of Harry's neck and the other on his jaw on the other side. 

He brushes his thumb over Harry's lower lip and Harry's mouth falls open. Zayn leans in then, opens his mouth and closes it around Harry's. Harry breathes in all the smoke and breathes out a hot puff of air into Zayn's mouth and Zayn immediately bites down on Harry's bottom lip.

Harry gasps and pulls Zayn closer, his hand sliding down to cup Zayn's ass. Zayn lets out a cry, into Harry's mouth.

"Liam, why can't we do that?"

It's Louis' voice that brings them back. Zayn laughs at Louis' question and rests his forehead on Harry's shoulder and Harry runs his fingers down his back, breathing ragged.

-

Louis gets too clingy, especially after Zayn shotgunned Harry. Liam had to basically drag him outside their apartment with a red face.

Zayn's currently wiping off the counter with the little ounce of strength left in him when he feels Harry behind him.

Zayn smiles, and Harry rests his head on his shoulder, hands on his waist.

"Zayyynnnn."

"Yeah babe."

"You're so beautiful." He kisses Zayn just behind his ear and Zayn's never been kissed there.

"So fucking beautiful." He kisses the juncture where Zayn's neck meets his shoulder.

Zayn throws his head back in defeat and Harry steps closer, his front pressed against Zayn's back. That's when Zayn feels it, Harry's hard and Zayn's eyes fly open.

"Zayn." Harry rubs himself against his ass, his length hard. Zayn clenches his hands and breathes out a , "Harry."

"Do you want me?" Harry whispers, rubbing hard against Zayn.

" _Ahhhh_."

"Do you?"

"Jesus. Fuck. Yes."


	22. And Spend Every Hour

By the time they stumble to the bedroom, Zayn's left just in his boxers while Harry still has his pants on.

Harry sucks on Zayn's lips for a good measure and then pushes him onto the bed. Zayn gasps, falls on his back and Harry takes no time to settle in between Zayn's legs.

He braces himself with one arm hooked on the headboard, hovering over Zayn, reaching out his other arm and hooking it under Zayn's chin.

They look at each other, fierce and something else, something that runs a shiver down Harry's spine.

"Harry, I..I-" Zayn stops.

"Have you done this before?"

Zayn nods.

"Dan?"

Zayn nods again.

"How many times?"

"Once."

Zayn told Harry about Dan, his ex, told him how Dan was the first guy Zayn had been with. Dan introduced Zayn to it all, from the roll of a joint to the roll of his hips against Zayn.

Harry leans down and sucks a mark on Zayn's shoulder. He frees his arm from the headboard and holds Zayn's wrists above them in place. 

"Did he fuck you?"

"God. Yes."

Harry slots a thigh between Zayn and feels Zayn hard in his thin boxers, with the head of his dick almost poking out.

Zayn reaches for Harry's jeans, pulls them down and Harry's naked, hard and heavy slapping against Zayn's stomach.

Harry dips down and rolls his hips then and Zayn throws his head back.

"Did you like it?"

"What?"

"When he fucked you." Harry rubs himself against Zayn again, a little harsh and dry.

Zayn gasps, "No."

Zayn's leaking in his boxers, a wet spot prominent on the thin fabric.

Harry leans down and flicks at Zayn's nipple with his tongue, sucks at it until it's bud is hard and pink.

"Harry _please_."

"Do you want me to suck you off?"

Zayn shakes his head. "I can, I can.." he closes his eyes.

Harry nudges at his cheek with his nose, "Tell me." and rubs himself against Zayn again, sliding his dick against Zayn's stomach.

"I can come like this." Zayn gasps.

Harry stills, "It'll hurt."

Zayn wraps his legs around Harry, "Harry please. Please. Please."

Harry nods. He lays down properly then so their stomachs touch and moves his body, a slow glide, up and down.   
Zayn's dick slides out of the flap of his boxers, open and raw against Harry's.

Harry rubs against it again, dry and rough, skin on skin and they both hiss.

"Do you want me to stop Zayn?" Harry closes his eyes and snaps his hips again.

"No." Zayn groans, his wrists still pinned tightly by Harry.

"Then who?" Harry asks, voice shaky.

"What?" Zayn cries.

Harry rubs Zayn's nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

"After Dan. _Who_?"

Zayn opens his eyes, blinks at Harry, there's a line of sweat on his upper lip and his eyebrows pinched with the rough heat of the friction but his eyes still twinkle with a soft glow when he whispers it, out and vulnerable,

"You."

And that's what takes for Harry to spill white spurts over Zayn's stomach and the head of his dick, pink.

"Zayn." Harry cries and slumps on Zayn, shaking with it.

Zayn tries to move, tries to gain the friction again, anything with his body pinned below Harry's weight. 

Harry releases Zayn's wrists and slowly moves down his body, covers his fingers with his cum spread on Zayn's stomach and carefully slicks Zayn's _puckered_ hole with it, rubbing around it in circles and Zayn's hips snap up hard in the air at the unexpected move, with a moan, ripped right from his throat, almost a growl, " _Jesus Fucking Christ Harry_!"

Harry's finger lingers around Zayn's hole and then he's crooking in just the pad of his finger inside it when Zayn comes with a shrill cry.

Harry bends down and licks at the pink skin, kitten licks, that have Zayn shaking and trembling to his bones and chanting Harry's name like nothing except them exists in the moment.

And with Zayn shaking beneath him and covered in his cum, Harry doesn't think anything outside this room could ever be as beautiful and raw. 


	23. Of Every Day

Zayn wakes up to Harry pressed behind him, head to toe, limb to limb, close, too close.   
Close enough for Zayn to feel the rise and fall of Harry's chest, his nose pressed against Zayn's neck and his lips on Zayn's skin.

Harry envelopes him, on his bed with every joint and curve touching like a warm blanket on a cold sheet. It makes Zayn giddy, something he hasn't felt in a long time.

Harry Styles, with his tender touches and bright smiles, filthy words and soft eyes, flailing limbs and kind heart drills his way, slowly, each day, into Zayn's bones. Seeps deeper until he's all Zayn feels in his bones, until he thrums like a soft melody in Zayn's veins, under the folds of his muscles, all of it, just _him_ and Zayn lets him in. Zayn rips himself apart, tears down his walls and lets Harry in until he reeks of Harry.

-

"So domestic."

Zayn's head snaps up at Harry's teasing voice, padding his way to the kitchen. He looks soft and fragile, unguarded eyes and a loose smile on his face.

Zayn smiles, "Only for you." And Harry brings both his hands to his chest, right above his throbbing heart like he's touched and grins at Zayn.

-

"Your banana cream pie sir." Zayn slides the plate carefully infront of Harry on the table and bows down.

Harry looks up at him, "Zayn this-"

"-is your favourite thing to have for breakfast. I know Styles." He winks at Harry.

Harry still stares at him, wide eyed, lips parted, something swims in his eyes, Harry takes a deep breath and hangs his head low.

"Babe?" Zayn crouches down on his knees and rests his arms on Harry's thighs, looks up at him.

"Thankyou." Harry whispers, quiet and heavy.

"It's okay Harry," Zayn rubs the sides of his thighs, "Look at me."

He doesn't.

"Harry look-"

"I love you Zayn."

Zayn takes in a sharp breath, lips parted, eyes wide looking up at Harry and stands up in a swift motion.   
Harry shifts in his seat and looks up at him then, eyelashes wet with the tears caught in them.

"I'm sorry if this is overwhelming Zayn, I understand, I really do. But I can't not love you anymore. I don't know what to do with myself except loving you, except giving everything in me to you, in bits and pieces." He sighs, takes in a shaky breath.

"I can't _not_ love you Zayn. I don't know how to." He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.

Harry keeps rubbing at his eyes, anxious and frustrated. Zayn reaches out and wraps an arm around Harry's wrist, holds it in place,  
"Don't do that." He whispers and Harry doesn't look at him.

Zayn pulls at his wrist and Harry looks up at him then, confused.

"Get up." Harry does and Zayn pulls him, his grip tight on Harry's wrist until they're standing in the bedroom.

Zayn stands before Harry, hand still loosely wrapped around his wrist,   
" See that?"   
He points at the unmade bed, imprints of their tangled limbs still evident,   
" A few hours ago we were there and you were wrapped all around me, head to toe." Harry blushes at that, embarassed.

" No, look at me Harry." Harry looks up,   
" And I thought _this_ is it, this is what I want. I want you to overwhelm me on days when I forget who I am. I want you to wrap yourself around me on days I am cold. I want you to kiss me, everyday, even when I'm being difficult. I want you to stick your tongue out at me when I tease you. I want it Harry. I want you. "

Zayn steps closer, rubs his thumb over Harry's pulsing vein on his wrist and whispers, "I love you Harry Styles."

Harry looks up and Zayn's so close, looking at him, eyes glittering gold and Harry immediately shuts his eyes. He leans forward and rests his forehead against Zayn's and sighs, trembles. Zayn threads their fingers together and whispers, "My hulk."

Harry giggles.


	24. Keeping You Safe

Zayn mouths at Harry's neck, nipping sloppily at it and Harry giggles, again.   
They're sprawled on their bedroom floor, backs against the wall, blissed out from the joint they shared.

Harry stops giggling and shifts Zayn's weight off of him and stands up. He feels light headed from all the smoke and shakes his head, his curls cupping his face immediately. Zayn giggles again, "It looks like your hair have grown a face."   
And Harry laughs, throws his head back. He looks at the bed and the empty bag on it and frowns, "I should start packing."

Harry rubs his temples, trying to think clearly, deciding what to pack when he feels Zayn's arms around him and Zayn's weight on his back with Zayn completely leaning against him.

He smiles, leans back into the touch, "Zayn, get me your white shirt. Gonna take it with me."

"Yeah?" Zayn whispers against his shoulder.

"Yeah."

Harry feels Zayn's lips puckered out in a pout against his skin when he whines, "But I will miss you _Harreh_."

"I'll miss you too babe. So much." He sighs, Zayn still wrapped behind him. 

Zayn huffs, his cheeks squished against Harry's shoulder, "Don't go. "

"They need me babe. The company needs me there. It's just a day. I'll be back." He tilts his head back and kisses Zayn's hair.

Zayn doesn't say anything, just stays pressed to Harry. So Harry carefully untucks him and tugs at his arm so that Zayn's standing right in front of him.

He cups Zayn's face in his hands and brings him closer, "This is really important babe. Really important. Once I'm done with this, I promise I'll never go anywhere. Alright?"

Zayn nods, a little smile blooming back on his face. Harry smiles too then and kisses Zayn's nose.

" _Harreh_?" Zayn whispers against his lips.

"Yes Zayn?" Harry leans back to look at him properly

"Let's do it."

Harry looks confused, "Do what?"

Zayn looks at him from under his lashes, "You. Inside. Me."

Harry's jaw drops open, "Zayn, I, you, are you-"

"Yes, I want this. I want you. Before you go." He looks at Harry, vulnerable and surrendering.

Harry wants to cry because this is what all his dreams look like, Zayn wanting him. This is what he's wanted in his bones, Zayn wanting him.

So he quickly wipes his eyes and whispers, "Zayn babe, we don't have to rush. We can wait. Let me come back first and then-"

"I don't want to wait Harry. I want this. Fuck I want you now." Zayn's hands ghost over Harry's length pressed tight against his jeans and Harry takes in a sharp breath.

"Zayn-" He's cut off by Zayn latching at his neck, biting, nipping, licking all at once, like he can't get enough.

"Please Harry, please." Zayn whispers against his neck, licking a long stripe up.

In the next moment, Harry's pushing Zayn and Zayn lands on the bed, on his back with a gasp. Harry quickly straddles him and bites at Zayn's neck. Zayn's hips buck up at the feeling, the euphoria of the joint and Harry pinning him down, hard and desperate.

Harry quickly tugs at Zayn's tshirt, over his head and bites at any skin he can find, licks his way down to Zayn's nipples, sucking on the buds until they harden in his mouth and Zayn tugs at Harry's hair with a moan, "Harry, please, just-"

He pinches his other nipple, between his finger and thumb, massages it until Zayn's throbbing beneath his mouth, at his mercy.

He licks his way down to Zayn's navel and tugs at his trousers, revealing black boxers, Zayn's length straining against it.   
He noses at his length and Zayn bucks his hip up again in desperation. He  climbs off of Zayn and quickly takes off his own t-shirt and jeans. Zayn whines at the contact and tugs his boxers off, never breaking eye contact, Harry gulps.

He strides to the set of drawers and gathers a lube and condom, switches off the harsh light and leaves them at the mercy of the small bed lamp, a soft glow igniting the room. Harry looks at Zayn and is hit with it because if he thought Zayn couldn't ever be more beautiful, he is now, in all his naked glory, hard and heavy, waiting for Harry, wanting Harry.

Maybe Harry would've stopped himself some other day, waited a while, but with Zayn looking at him right now, he can't. So he lands on Zayn with all his weight pinning Zayn down.

"You want this?" He asks agaisnt Zayn's lips.

"Yes."

"What do you want?"

Zayn takes Harry's face into his hands, looks into his eyes and whispers, "Fuck me."

"Say it."

"Fuck me." Zayn breathes rubbing against Harry.

"No, say it properly."

" Fuck me please." And Harry slicks his fingers, dripping with lube, cold against Zayn's skin and circles Zayn's hole.

Zayn throws his head back and Harry reaches forward and licks at the long line of Zayn's neck. He bites at Zayn's shoulders and pushes his finger in.   
Zayn immediately shuts his eyes at the intrusion.

"You want this Zayn? You want this?"

"Yes." Zayn breathes and Harry moves his finger, in a slow rhythm, exploring Zayn's insides, slowly.

"Yeah?"

"Yes Harry, Jesus." Harry curls his finger inside Zayn and Zayn's gone, he's writhing again.

Harry pushes in another finger, "Like this?"

"Fuck Harry Fuck Fuck."

Harry scissors his fingers, kissing Zayn's limp mouth, "You're doing so good. So good."

Zayn nods, " More. I need more."

Harry adds another finger and finds a rhythm then. He fucks Zayn with his fingers, in a constant rhythm and the obscene sound of _Ah Ah Ah_ constantly falling from Zayn's mouth.

Harry hovers over Zayn's face, kisses his nose and there's nothing more beautiful than this moment right here. Harry knows he can't take it back once this happens, there's no going back after this, Zayn will flood into his system until Zayn's everywhere. "I love you Zayn. I love you."

Zayn moans at that and fucks himself on Harry's fingers, can't stop.

"Say it back."

"I love You _Ah_ Harry. Just please fuck me. Now."

"Now?"

" _Now_."

Harry reaches for the condom, tries to tear it open with his teeth and the free hand, shaking to his core, when Zayn stops him, eyes hooded.

"Just once. Want to feel you."

And Harry has to applaud himself for not coming right then. " Zayn are you-"

"Harry please. _Please_ just once."

So Harry does, He pushes in, with his fingers still inside Zayn and the room is filled with both their moans. Harry stills at the feeling of being inside Zayn, of Zayn letting him inside.

Zayn rocks his hips then, desperately and Harry groans, " _Fuck_ Zayn, wait, just-" He pulls out of Zayn and Zayn's head rises up to look at him.

"What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no. I just-" Harry pulls his fingers out and pushes his leaking cock right in and the moan that Zayn lets out is the most delicious sound Harry's ever heard, he wants to keep it his ringtone.

Harry fucks Zayn, a steady rhythm, their bodies lined together, chest against chest. He cups Zayn's face and pushes his hair back from where they frame his face when he sees it, Zayn's headband.

"Why do you still have this on?"Harry groans.

Zayn's eyes fly open then, "You want it somewhere else?"

Harry's eyes widen at it, he fucks into Zayn harder.

"Want to tie it around my wrists?"

Harry's hips stutter at it and he bites at Zayn's neck. He doesn't know how Zayn's talking when Harry's on the verge of bursting open, inside Zayn, unravelling inside Zayn so that Harry's all Zayn can feel in his blood.

"Want to fuck me while I have this tied around my mouth?"

Harry rips out a " _Unnghhh_ "

"You like to fuck me hard babe? Will you fuck me hard please?"

"Fuck Zayn. Fuck. Jesus." Harry quickens his pace, faster, meeting Zayn's hole, slapping against it with no mercy, thrusts into Zayn, until Zayn trembles with it.

Zayn wraps his legs around Harry and pulls him closer. "Show me babe. Show me."

Harry shows him then, bites at Zayn's nipple and thrusts into him with a sharp snap of his hips.

Zayn shakes with it, his cock leaking between them, rubbing against the dips of Harry's abs and Zayn feels it bubbling inside of him, the warm feeling.

" Harry I'm gonna, I'm gonna come." He almost yells and Harry fucks him harder then, bites at his earlobe,   
"Come on babe. Come for me."

It takes two more thrusts and Zayn's spilling hot white spurts right on his stomach and Harry's torso.

Harry continues to thrust into him, relentlessly, like it's driving him wild, like he can't stop. Zayn bites at Harry's bottom lip and tugs at it, "I want you to come inside me, right inside me. Want to feel you." And Harry's spilling into Zayn, hot and wet streaks filling him up and Zayn moans at the feeling.

Harry drops onto Zayn, catching his breath and Zayn's breath is ragged too.

Harry leans back up and looks at Zayn, "You okay?"

Zayn shakes his head, "You ruined me Styles." And both of them laugh. 


	25. And I'd Climb Every Mountain

"Babe?"  
Zayn grins, a loose, wide, warm smile spreading on his face on hearing Harry's voice on the phone. He has his face tucked into his other hand, sitting near the bar.

" _Harreeehhhh_! My babe!" Zayn sings ,his tongue poking out behind his teeth.

"Zayn are you alright?" Harry sounds worried and Zayn smiles at that too because Harry always cares, because they're in love now aren't they?

So Zayn nods.

"Zayn?"

"I am I am." He nods his head vigorously.

"Who's there with you? Are you alone?"

"Loueeehh! He's here. B-but I miss you Harry." Zayn pouts.

"I miss you too. I love you."

And Zayn can imagine the dimpled smile Harry probably has on his face while he says that, so he reaches out and pokes Louis' cheek to create a dimple. Louis' hisses at it and Zayn drops his hand with a sigh, 'Louis will have to live without a dimple' he thinks.

"I love you Harry. I- did you know you have really beautiful and deep dimples?"

Harry laughs because Zayn sounds genuinely curious, "Yes babe, I'm aware."

"Yeah?" Zayn smiles.

"Yeah." Zayn hears a little shuffling and then, "Babe I've gotta go, I'll call you later."

And before Zayn could say anything, Harry hangs up.

-

"Oh for fuck's sake Malik, stop pouting like that. Harry's coming back like tomorrow morning." Louis kicks Zayn's foot.

"Yeah but-" Zayn's eyes widen. "Louis!"

"What?"

"It's Harry's birthday tomorrow!"

"It is?"

"Yes!" Zayn nods.

"Great! So, what are you gonna give the birthday boy?"

"I don't know, Fuck. What do you think?" Zayn panics.

"I say wrap yourself in pretty lingerie and stand outside his apartment. Trust me, nothing better than that."

"Shut the fuck up Lou." Zayn mutters but dunks his head and smiles shyly.

"Now, don't go all shy Malik. What are you gonna do then?"

"I'm thinking of throwing him a party probably, at my place?"

Louis hums, "Or, you could decorate his apartment for him, like with all the birthday shit and we could also put up those weird comic book cuttings we've collected! "

Zayn's eyes light up, "Fuck yes bro. It'd be sick!" But then he deflates as well, "I don't know if Harry will appreciate me going to his apartment without him."

"Zayn comeon, it's pretty boy's birthday. I'm sure he'll be fine. Didn't he say that he was going to take you there?"

"He did." Zayn nods, eyes shining.

"Let's do it then?"

And because Zayn's a little drunk, " _Fuck_. Okay."

-

They stop outside Harry's building. Zayn giggles, his hands full of crazy stuff Louis gathered, the thought of standing outside Harry's door in a lingerie lingering in his mind.

"Let me see, yeah this it it." Louis looks up from his phone. He looks at Zayn and frowns, "Malik? You okay?"

Zayn stops smiling and nods serious, "Yeah."

Louis gives him a look and walks towards the building, when Zayn calls his name.

" _Shh_ Zayn! We're on a secret mission here. You can't yell like that."

Zayn lights up, " _A secret mission_? So we're like one of those cool people in those comics?"

Louis nods and ruffles Zayn's hair, fond, "We are. Now why'd you call me?"

"We don't have the keys!"

"Fuck's sake Malik, I know what I'm doing." When Zayn still looks confused ,Louis continues, "We're gonna ask Harry's landlady nicely."

"Nicely?"

" _Nicely_ Zayn. And who's the nicest person here?"

Zayn looks around the empty dark streets and Louis sighs again, "Zayn! It's me!" _Oh_.

"Yeah, let's go."

-

According to Louis, asking nicely meant saying please a total of five times and then, "Fuck's sake, that woman's crazy."

Zayn giggles, "I'm gonna try." He hands Louis the bags.

Louis mutters, "Take care mate, I'll always remember you as a good friend incase she bites you with her wobbly dentures."

Zayn pokes his tongue out at him and walks away.

-

Zayn manages to actually ask nicely and gets the keys. They climb up the stairs to Harry's apartment and Louis pokes Zayn's side with his elbow, "Stop looking so smug Malik."

Zayn laughs and tucks a hand over Louis' shoulder.

-

Zayn opens Harry's apartment and he doesn't know what he expected, but certainly not a bare house.

The walls are stark white, there's a small couch at the end of the living room and a small table. That's it. Zayn walks in towards the kitchen. The kitchen cupboards are empty, except one plate, glass and spoon placed in one of them.

"Um, is Harry's job paying him well? Cause this looks like he's broke."

Zayn doesn't reply, Harry's doing well isn't he?

Louis senses the tension, "Um, Zayn should we just do it at your apartment instead?"

Zayn keeps walking around. He walks to a room, probably Harry's bedroom.

The door's closed. Zayn pushes the handle and opens it slowly.

Harry's bedroom is stripped bare too, just a single mattress in a corner and a small table. There's a closet near the door and a full wall filled with articles, cuttings and marked headlines.

Zayn walks towards it and once he recognises the articles, he stops dead in his tracks.


	26. And Swim Every Ocean

The flashes come again, a little vivid this time, guns, blood, shrieks, cops, hands roaming over Zayn's body, searching, accusing eyes and a little, scared Zayn. Only Zayn's not sleeping, he's wide awake.

Zayn hasn't forgotten, he can't. Probably why Trisha sent him away, Zayn cares too much, thinks too much. Probably why he couldn't go back to them, his mother, his sisters. But it didn't work, did it?

-

Harry fetches his keys out of his back pocket, tries to open the door but it's open. The door creaks at the loose hinges and Harry carefully steps inside. He switches on the light and turns around to close the door.

"Harry Styles."

Harry immediately holds up his gun at the voice, an instinct.

His stance loosens, eyes wide, when he recognises the person, Zayn.

"Zayn? I-"

Zayn stands up from the couch, walks towards Harry, "Undercover agent, Harry Styles. Is that even your real name? "

Harry drops the gun on the floor.   
"Zayn y-you, it's no-"

Zayn laughs, "Not what I think it is? You need to step up your game Styles."

Harry scrambles towards Zayn until he's a few inches apart, "Zayn listen to me alright. Just listen to me."

Zayn looks at him, eyes shining with tears, "You know," his voice grows heavy, "you could've just asked Harry. You know you just needed to ask and I would have given you everything."

"I know Zayn, I know. I was doing my job. But I swear to god, I swear I was going to tell you. I swear, as soon as this would've been over, I was going to."

"Did you tell them you fucked me?" Zayn steps closer.

"Did _they_ ask you to fuck me? Do you have a video recorded Harry? Did you show them the video? Huh? Did you have a good laugh?"

Harry feels his gut twisting at Zayn's voice, broken and angry. He stares at Zayn, mouth parted, "How could you? I wouldn't Zayn!"

"How could _I_? How could you Harry?" Zayn pushes Harry back.

Harry stumbles a little, almost slipping on the polished floor but he manages to get hold of the kitchen counter and staggers.

Zayn hates himself, in this very moment, when every instinct in him yells to reach forward, to hold Harry, _his Harry_.

"Zayn please," Harry pleads. "I know you're hurt. I-I get it and I lied, I know I did b-but it's not, it's not what you think."

"What are those articles Harry?"

"Zay-"

"What. Are. Those. Articles. About?"

Harry closes his eyes, "Yaser Malik and y-you."

"And Why are they here? Why are you here?"

Harry grips the counter and opens his eyes, Zayn's still staring at him and Harry almost doesn't recognise those eyes, cold. "I, was supposed to spy on you and find out if, if y-you were in contacts with him or any other gang member."

They stare at each other and it's not right, the look in Zayn's eyes isn't okay, Harry has to do something, he has to say something, he has to save them because they're drowning.

"Zayn, I love you. Please, just let me explain."

And Harry sees it, a flicker, something twitches inside Zayn and he walks towards Harry.

"I don't believe a word you say Styles."

"No!" Harry finds his voice, "No Zayn! You want to call me a liar, a cheater, an asshole, I deserve it all. But you don't get to take this away from me. I love you Zayn Malik. I fucking love you, I wasn't supposed to, but I love you with everything in me."

Harry breathes harsh, tears streaming down his face.

Zayn steps closer to him, so close that their feet touch, so close that Harry can breathe Zayn in, so close that Harry could just lean a bit and kiss Zayn, taste him, his skin and hold onto him, until they're okay.

Zayn leans forward, his cheek against Harry's cheek, his stubble rubs off against Harry's skin and he shivers, "I love you Harry Styles, so much," a tear slides down Zayn's cheek and lands on Harry's, "and I never want to see your face again."

Another tear falls and slides down Zayn's cheek and Zayn rubs his stubble against Harry again, drags his mouth to Harry's cheek and plants a kiss, lingers there and whispers, "You broke me Harry, you _fucking_ broke me babe."

And Zayn's out of Harry's apartment.


	27. Just To Be With You

Growing up Zayn was always drawn to the concept of universes, of life existing outside this world, of new boundaries. It fascinated him and he'd think of all the things he couldn't get in this life and wonder if he'd gotten them in the other universe.

That's the thing with him, he _wants_. He wants and wants and wants, until it eats him up, leaves him a void.

The thing is, Zayn hasn't wanted in a long time. But he feels a void, a hollowness slowly paving it's way into his chest, a heavy feeling because he wants, he wants Harry and he can't stop.

Harry Styles is a bruise Zayn can't touch, a bruise that doesn't heal, a bruise that scars it's way deep into Zayn until he's in the cigarettes Zayn smokes, Zayn reeks of him and he doesn't like it.

So he chants _I'm fine_ until he fools his mind into it, until he gets used to the dull ache throbbing inside him.

He goes out, goes to the café, works and clenches his eyes shut everytime the doorbell jingles. He scrubs the counter clean until his fingers wrinkle and breathes in the darkness of the store room away from Liam's pitiful eyes. He cares, Zayn knows he does, like Zayn but all of it feels like a big taunt to Zayn, for being so stupid, for giving into Harry Styles and his sloppy smiles too easily.

He goes to the Curry place Harry took him to, each step with I'm fine chanting inside and a tear slips down his cheek when he tastes it, Zayn blames it on the curry, was too spicy.

He doesn't sketch or paint, he can't. He tries to, but he can't come up with anything. He tried sketching once, at the cafe, to avoid Liam's stare and he remembers Liam gasping at the dark mess of curves Zayn filled the page with. So he stopped.

He doesn't admit it but a small part in him, that's still hopeful, a part in him that wants to run to Harry and hug him until it's Harry's odour on him and not the cigarettes Zayn smokes in _his_ name, a part in him that _wants_ and _wants_ and _wants_ Harry, that small part hopes to stumble into Harry someday, somewhere. Zayn hopes to collide into him and see if Harry still wants him back, if he meant when he said he loves Zayn, if he still cares, if Zayn can look at him and not cry until his eyes ache with it.

They don't, they don't collide. They did, that night at Harry's apartment.

They collided and shattered into pieces and Zayn couldn't pick out his own pieces from the mess they made together. So he left pieces of him there, in Harry's apartment, right near Harry's feet.

Harry came, one night, drunk and staggering while Zayn was lying awake in his bed, questioning the universe and it's working.

He heard it first, a loud " _Zayyyynnn_ " . Zayn thought he'd imagined it, it couldn't be, Harry won't but he heard another,   
"Babe? I know you're in there! Come out. Look I'm here." just outside his door.

Zayn strode towards the door and peeped through the hole and he breathed at the sight of him, Harry, _his Harry_ , confused and stumbling around, outside Zayn's door, close, so close. Zayn clenched his hands and almost drew out blood. It was Harry, with a silly pout on his face and his hair all disheveled and Zayn clamped a hand on his mouth as a sob left his mouth because he _wants wants wants_.

"I fucking love you Malik! Did you hear that? I fucking love you. I've never-never been in love Zayn!" He stood near the door, his cheek pressed to it, his voice cracking.

Zayn pressed his cheek to the cold wood too and breathed through his nose, shaking with it.

"I've never said that to anyone Zayn. Y-" he sobbed, "You, Zayn." He banged his fist against the door and then a quiet, "Just you." left his mouth.

Zayn's legs gave out and he held onto the door, trembling with each sob, crying and crying until his body went cold and Harry walked away.

So now, when it's been three weeks and he still hasn't collided with Harry Styles,  
Zayn thinks that maybe there are a million other universes out there and maybe in one of those, they do meet, maybe in one of those they collide and don't shatter away, instead they hold on and melt into each other but in this universe, they can't mend each other, they can't meet and _not_ break again.


	28. And Fix What I've Broken

Zayn's fingers ghost over his phone screen, trembling and frozen all at once. He stares at the number, Harry's number, stares at it until his eyes burn with it, his phone too bright in the dim lights of the club. Zayn sighs and exits the window and there it is, his wallpaper, a picture of them, staring back at him.

He looks at the picture until his screen automatically turns off. Zayn looks up and Liam's looking at him from across the table, concern and _pity_ , he probably saw Zayn's wallpaper and thinks Zayn couldn't bring himself to change it but the truth is he never tried to change it.

The picture is the only evidence that Zayn once had something so beautiful, so pure. That he found love, a love that he felt in his bones and joints, that he had it all, it existed.

Niall slings an arm around Zayn's shoulder and Zayn looks at him, Niall smiles and Zayn smiles too because Niall has an infectious smile and no one can _not_ smile back at him.

Niall points to the table with a nod and Zayn looks at the shots infront of him. He reaches for a glass and gulps it down. Zayn wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and leans into Niall.

"Zayn mate?"

"Hmm?" Zayn hums cuddled close to Niall, eyes closed.

"Do you k-know, um" and the way Niall stutters Zayn _knows_ it's about Harry. He leans back and looks at Niall, "Know what Ni?"

"Harry. Um, he's leaving."

If Zayn thought Harry Styles couldn't break his heart anymore than he already did, Zayn was wrong.

"Oh." Zayn looks down at his hands.

"He, he has a flight tomorrow morning. Don't you think-" Niall stops when Zayn flinches and looks at him with wide eyes.

Zayn shakes his head and his lips twist in an ugly way.

Niall squeezes his hand, "I'm here for you Z. I'm here."

Zayn breathes and blinks, he doesn't need to cry over Harry Styles anymore and reaches for another glass.

-

Zayn knocks at the door, a little harsh than he intended to. He knocks and knocks until his knuckles turn red with it. He brings his fist up again to knock when the door opens and Zayn knocks his fist on Harry's forehead.

"Heeeey!" Harry rubs his forehead and then his eyes go wide when he looks at Zayn, Zayn's hair all messed up and hanging on his forehead, his eyes drooping, his white shirt open at his chest with his tattoos on display and his blue jeans, hanging low.

Zayn Malik is a mess, a mess that makes more sense than anything in this world.

"Zayn?"

Zayn steps in, a huge grin on his face.   
"Missed me Styles?"

Harry instinctively steps back, he gulps, "Yeah."

Zayn walks forward until Harry's back hits a wall and Zayn stops, leaving a few feet between them. 

"I'm here Harry. _Look_! Talk to me. Tell me. Explain everything.", Zayn grins dangerously.

"Zayn you're drunk." Harry panics.

"That's right." Zayn grins and spreads his arms, "I.. _am_ drunk Harry. And _you_ ," he points a finger at Harry, "weren't there to take me home."

Harry's eyes sting, he clenches his hand into a fist.

"I'm sorry." He whispers. He takes a step closer to Zayn, "Let's go to bed yeah?"

Zayn nods at first but then immediately shakes his head, "Nope, I'm here to talk. Let's talk."

"Zayn please don't do this."

Zayn laughs, a bitter laugh, something that runs a shiver down Harry's spine, it's so cold.

"Me? You are the one leaving, leaving me behind, leaving _us_ behind. You." He steps closer to Harry and glares at him.

It ticks Harry off, "Really? What choice do I have Zayn? What am I supposed to do? You didn't even let me explain! You don't fucking care! You don't care that this-" he waves his arms between them, "is hurting me too. That I'm crumbling too Zayn, each day. And you won't even listen to me! So yeah, I am leaving."

Zayn punches Harry's shoulder, "Don't yell at me asshole! You're the one who lied in the first place!"

Harry pushes Zayn then, until Zayn's pressed between the wall and Harry, "It was my job! I was doing my job! I didn't fucking plan to fall for you. It happened. I just need you to listen to me Zayn, just listen to me."

Zayn shakes his head, his eyes pooling, "I can't." His tone goes soft, "I can't let you break me again Harry. I can't."

"Then don't fucking yell at me for leaving Zayn! Don't!" Harry leans back and Zayn panics, it's been weeks since he's been this close to Harry, since they touched, since he breathed in Harry, so he reaches for Harry's collar and pulls him back.

"Harry, please just, please." Zayn closes his eyes.

Harry rests his forehead on Zayn's, "Please what babe?"

"Kiss me." Zayn whispers and Harry leans back again, tries to get away but Zayn pulls him back again, draws him closer, "Please Harry. Please." He opens his eyes and looks at Harry, "I want you. _So_ bad."

Harry's hips bucks against Zayn's. "Zayn!"

"Please Harry." Zayn chants.

"Bedroom." Harry whispers.

"No!" Zayn frantically shakes his head, "Right here. Right now. Against this wall babe." He rubs his hips against Harry's in a delicious friction that has Harry's eyes rolling hard.

Zayn rubs against Harry, in slow circles, chanting " _Please_ " and " _Harry_ " and Harry pants against his neck.

Harry kisses Zayn then, it's frantic, all teeth and tongue, all the pent up rage put into it. He kisses Zayn until Zayn's dizzy with it, tears rolling down his cheeks. Harry wipes them with his thumbs and kisses Zayn again, it leaves Zayn's insides rattling with the feeling.

Zayn turns around, his back to Harry and pushes his ass back at Harry. He rubs against Harry again, and feels Harry _rock hard_ in his jeans.

Harry pushes Zayn until Zayn's pressed entirely against the wall, Harry's weight trapping him, his hard length pressing into Zayn, delicious and wet.

Zayn groans, his cheek against the cold wall and Harry immediately pops open his own jeans, until they're pooling at his feet and he reaches for Zayn's jeans. The rattling of Zayn's belt as Harry opens it up, is the most beautiful sound to Zayn's ears. 

He pulls Zayn's jeans down, enough to expose Zayn's ass and his hard length. Zayn hisses as his cock rubs against the cold wall.

Harry stands behind him, still and eyebrows pinched. Zayn looks over his shoulder and whispers, "Come on babe. Fuck me. Fuck me like you did. Fuck me harder than I can take. Fuck me until I'm ruined."

Harry presses his cock right in between Zayn's ass cheeks, rubbing it.   
He grits out, " We didn't _fuck_. We made love."

Zayn smiles, despite the tears, he smiles.

Harry spits onto his fingers, "I'm gonna open you up now, yeah?"

Zayn groans. "Say it." Harry demands.

"Yes. Okay." Zayn pants.

Harry opens Zayn up, finger after finger until Zayn's pushing back on his fingers, obscene noises filling the apartment.

Harry rips his fingers out and Zayn shudders. He coats his cock in his spit,   
"You want this babe?"

"Yes. Please."

Harry nods and bites at Zayn's shoulder. He pushes the tip inside Zayn and stills, lets Zayn get used to it while he grazes his teeth at Zayn's earlobe.

"Move."

Harry spanks Zayn's ass, "Nicely."

"Move _please_." Zayn pleas.

"Okay babe. " And Harry bottoms out. He finds a rhythm, his cock sinking deep into Zayn's tight muscles.

Zayn pants and throws his head back on Harry's shoulders, eyes closed.

Harry plants a soft kiss near Zayn's eye, where it crinkles when Zayn grins wide.

"I love you." Harry grunts into Zayn's ear. "I love you Zayn."

Zayn moans, loud and shameless.

"Say it back." Harry grits.

Zayn doesn't.

"Say it back Zayn. Say it back. _Please_." Harry rocks into Zayn harder.

A tear rolls down Zayn's cheek and lands on Harry's shoulder.

Harry's eyes sting too, he rocks his hips harder into Zayn.

"I fucking love you Zayn Malik and I'm gonna say it until you believe me. Until it's all you can hear." He pulls his cock out and slams it back in with more force, " _I. Love. You_."

Zayn gasps, "Touch me. Touch me Harry. Touch me."

Harry does, he pumps his hand over Zayn's length and Zayn's unravelling, hot white spurts landing on Harry's wall. Zayn clenches around his cock and Harry's coming too, right inside Zayn.

They pants against each other. Zayn still leaning against Harry, his head thrown back on his shoulder. Harry kisses Zayn's forehead and Zayn whispers,   
"I love you Harry Styles. _So much_." Another tear escapes his eye.


	29. Cause I Need You To See

_There's a place between our muscles and bones,_  
_beneath the darkest folds of our body, that is where you throb inside me._

Zayn craved this feeling, this feeling of basking in someone's joys, he drowned himself in the smiles he brought onto someone's face.

Trisha saw him, sneakily placing his share of chocolate under Waliya's pillow. She saw him reading night stories to Safaa when she wouldn't sleep. She saw him leaving a 'I love you _Ammi_ ' in a crooked writing near the kitchen counter everytime she made his favourite curry.

The pride she felt soon turned into concern because Zayn never gave away his thoughts.

He'd stay quiet and walk around with a frown on his face when something bothered him but still laugh with Safaa while she made him watch her favourite Disney movie for the tenth time, still kiss Trisha on the cheek for every meal she made.

Zayn learnt shutting down at a tender age. He was eight when a group of kids surrounded him on a football field and one of them called him a 'terrorist'. Zayn looked up, eyes wide and he knew he wasn't what they called him, he knew he was a good human, Trisha said he was a good human. So Zayn shook his head, "I'm not..that." The boys pushed him and called him a 'freak' and Zayn knew it was a bad word too. But Zayn did nothing in return, he let them push him and waited until they got bored and left.

And when they did, he cried. He cried until he couldn't breathe, all the while trying to understand what went wrong. He prayed everyday like Trisha taught him to, he didn't laugh at his old neighbor like the other kids did, he didn't sneak out extra ice cream out of the fridge at night because Trisha didn't like it. He did everything he could to make people happy, to make people see, see that he wasn't just a mixed race Muslim, he was a good human.

He cried and then wiped his eyes and went home like it was nothing, like it was okay, like he was okay, he _wasn't_.

Zayn hasn't cried since then, not like that at least, he didn't let people break him, didn't let their words affect him.

He didn't cry when the cops came to their house, looked at him with accusing eyes, felt him all the time for weapons. He didn't cry when Trisha sent him away, to save him. He didn't cry when Dan left him.

He feels a pinch, something threatening to destroy him and he shuts down. But he doesn't cry.

So when Zayn wakes up to the sun dipping into the room, all bright and warm, hesitantly feels around for Harry beside him with his eyes closed  and feels nothing but the cold sheets, he's back on the football field,   
crying like he promised himself he won't, crying because he wonders again, _what went wrong_.


	30. That You Are The Reason

Zayn uncurls himself and sits up, legs crossed, eyes heavy and heart heavier. It's been a few minutes but his body is still shaking with how hard he cried. And it hits him, the realisation that no matter what universe, no matter how many times they collide and collapse, Zayn would still give into this, he'd still want this, want Harry, this realisation rips open something in him, a weird stretch of something that aches in his chest, that makes Zayn way too vulnerable and he hates it, hates to have his insides spread open for Harry to walk on.

_HarryHarryHarry_

"Zayn?"

Zayn thinks he's hallucinating, it couldn't be. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and he's still here, in his sweats and a loose t-shirt, looking soft and familiar, like the Harry who stumbled into the cafe, the Harry who kisses Zayn careful and rough at once until Zayn can't breathe, he looks like... like _Zayn's_.

"Harry.'' Zayn merely whispers.

"Have you been crying?" Harry looks at him, eyebrows pinched, from the bedroom door.

Zayn wipes at his eyes to get rid of the blurriness and looks up, half expecting it to still be a dream, expecting this made up Harry to vanish, but he's here. "I, I thought you'd.."

"Gone?" Harry asks carefully and takes a step towards Zayn.

Zayn sniffs and nods. Harry wants to smack himself, hard for making Zayn look like a broken, lost puppy.

He walks towards Zayn and hesitates, it's crazy because it's his own house but Zayn shifts a little and Harry releases a breath.

He sits near Zayn, a careful distance between them, "Zayn.." he sighs, a heavy silence surrounds them and Harry's heart hammers around in his chest, like it wants to break out, break out and settle into Zayn's hands, near Zayn, anything to show Zayn how important this is, how important he is.

"Did you find him?" Zayn stares ahead.

Harry nods. "He passed away."

Zayn nods, his fingers twitching.

"When?"

"Six months ago."

"Is that why.."

"Yeah, the cops knew he had a son. So they sent me..to.."

"So?"

Harry looks at him, "Hm?"

"What do you want to eat?" Zayn looks at him, blank.

"What?" Harry spits out,confused.

"You look like shit Harry. You need to eat. So.." he takes a deep breath, "what should I make?"

"Zayn, I..eggs?"

Zayn nods and strides towards the kitchen and Harry stares at his outline, mouth agape.

-

Harry stands up on shaky limbs and walks outside, where Zayn has eggs laid out on a plate on the counter, with the tea and sandwiches Harry brought.

Harry looks at Zayn and Zayn rushes to explain, "There's only one plate in the cabinet,so I put it all in one."

Harry nods and leans against the counter.

"Zayn?"

Zayn looks up from the plate, eyes on Harry and the moment is so fragile, Harry wants to cry, cry and cry before Zayn until he breaks, breaks in bones and muscles, breaks for Zayn to look through the pieces and understand how gone Harry is but he's also got to fix this.

"I'm sorry."

Zayn nods, looks away.

"No, Zayn please just listen to me _once_?"

He doesn't move.

Harry continues, "Yaser's body was found and the agency called me, they wanted me to find out if his only son had anything to do with his death or had any connections. So I was sent here. I started hanging out with Louis first, then Liam and then..you." Harry cautiously looks at Zayn, he's still and blank.

"So, I tried to get acquainted with you-"

"The curry thing? You knew it before..like did you have that information before?" Zayn asks, eyes still not meeting Harry.

"No, I asked Louis, like I said. It wasn't a lie. _Most_ of it wasn't." Harry draws a shaky breath and Zayn fidgets too.

"And then we.." Zayn looks at him then, wide eyes and Harry's caught, "I fell in love with you." He whispers, quiet.

Zayn nods.

"And then the day after we.."Harry stops again, the memory of the night making him stutter, "you know.." Zayn nods again, carefully watching Harry, "I said I had to go to the company, I went back to the agency and I told them that you had nothing to do with this, that you were innocent and that I'd no longer be spying on you."

"I was going to tell you the truth Zayn, once I was done with the agency, I was going to, but then you were here in my apartment and things went downhill."

Zayn's still looking at him, cautious, like a deer and it pricks pins inside Harry to think he did that, he made Zayn scared of trusting, of loving.

"We." Zayn mumbles.

"What?"

" _We_..fell in love." Harry's insides rattle and he's sure he's going to choke and die, he can't breathe, not with the sincerity Zayn has flashing bright into his eyes.

Zayn surprises him then and walks around the counter to stand before him, mere inches apart and Harry stands straight, anticipating.

"W-when I knew about you, I was broken. Because not only was all of this a lie, you were also a part of my past I've been running from. I was broken because I let you in, because I thought I had it all, because you made me believe I wasn't him, although I'm his son, but I am nothing like him, you made me believe in myself.." he laughs dryly, "quite ironic innit? All this while you were busy connecting me to him and I thought you drove me away from him."

Harry tries to protest but Zayn continues, "And I know it isn't your fault, I know you were doing your job. I understand that, I genuinely do, but right now? Right now I don't know how to look at you and not think about him. Right now I don't know how to let go of the lies and hurt and bitterness." Harry's head hangs low.

"Harry look at me." Zayn's voice sounds wet and Harry clenches his hands.

"Babe? Please?"

So Harry does and he shouldn't have because the Zayn Infront of him looks defeated, tired and small.

Zayn steps closer to him and it's the first time Harry wants to step back, step away, run away from Zayn and what's coming next because he knows it isn't good, he knows.

"Zayn." Harry chants, his voice shakes. 

Zayn rests his forehead on Harry's, hands around his neck, exhales and Harry breathes him in. They cry then, cry and shake into each other's arms, cry until Zayn's throat closes up and Harry has nothing to say, nothing that can fix them. Harry holds him tight.

They breathe against each other's mouths and Harry thinks of every moment he's spent with Zayn, this is the most intimate, for a minute he pretends they're okay, they could be.

"Harry, _let me go_."

And Harry let's his arms fall down limply, because they're not, they're not okay.


	31. Epilogue

"Harry?" A slight nudge to his foot and he looks up.

"You look funny." And giggles, mixed together and they giggle until they can't breathe.

"Zayn?" He nudges his foot then.

"Hm?"

"You look horny." Chuckles and tears.

"I love you Zayn Malik." Harry winks, all spent.

Zayn grins, all teeth, crinkled eyes and crunched nose.

"I love you Harry Styles." They look at each other, sitting across each other, on the floor.

"Pass me the joint." Harry extends his arm.

Zayn's eyes sparkle, "Oops! I finished it."

Harry pouts and crosses his arms on his chest, legs spread open, like a child.

Zayn throws his head back and laughs, the long line of his neck on display, Harry licks his lips.

"Stop laughing." Harry grumbles.

Zayn looks at him, blissed out. "What? You're gonna punish me?"

Harry stares at him, not budging, "I should."

Zayn stops smiling and nods, " _Maybe_."

Harry flicks his finger, motioning Zayn to come close and Zayn smiles dangerously and crawls towards him, on his hands and knees, between Harry's open legs. Close, until Harry can see the freckle in Zayn's eye and Zayn can poke Harry's dimple.

Harry reaches out and cups Zayn's jaw with one hand and sweeps Zayn's loose strands away from his forehead, "You've been a bad boy Malik." Zayn whimpers.

"Want to see what happens when you're a bad boy?"

Zayn nods, mouth falling open.

"Want to be a good boy for me?" Zayn nods again.

"Take off your clothes and turn around babe."

Zayn shuffles and takes off his clothes, there's nothing much really, just his t-shirt and sweats and sits back on his knees, his back to Harry.

Harry reaches for the headband on the table nearby and cups Zayn's elbows, slowly bringing his arms together and ties them together. He mouths at Zayn's ear idly, his tongue swirling over the shell, "Like this babe?"

Zayn throws his head back, "Yeah."

Harry curves his fingers around Zayn's jaw and it falls open. He thrusts his fingers into his mouth, "Suck."

Zayn does, hollowed cheeks, fluttering eyelashes and plump lips, engulfs Harry's fingers in the velvety wetness of his mouth and sucks, licks over the pads of Harry's fingers until Harry grunts and stops him.

Harry's hand travels down, _downdowndown_   
until it's wrapped around Zayn's cock. He grips it and lathers it with the spit, until his hands glide up and down easily. Zayn curses _fuckfuckfuck_.

"What was that babe?" Harry whispers in his ear.

"Please Harry. _Please_."

"Yeah, Good boy. You're doing good."

Harry slows his hand down and Zayn bucks his hip up into his hands, desperately chasing friction. Harry hooks his other arm around Zayn's waist and brings him even closer until his chest touches Zayn's back.

"Don't. Move." Zayn nods.

Harry tightens his grip on Zayn's cock and Zayn gasps out loud, an obscene sound that rings into Harry's ear and he loosens his grip.

He looks at Zayn, head thrown back on Harry's shoulder, tears clinging to his eyelashes, and lips whispering a string of _pleasepleaseplease_.

Harry moves away from Zayn, a little and pads over to the drawers, gathers the lube and gets rids of his clothes too.   
Zayn's heaving, sitting on his knees, just as Harry left him.

Harry stands infront of him then and cups Zayn's jaw so Zayn's nosing Harry's dick. Zayn opens his eyes and the tears stream down, Harry bends down and kisses his cheek, "You want this babe?"   
Zayn nods, vigorously.

Harry guides himself into Zayn's limp mouth then and Zayn takes it, takes it until his nose is pressed into Harry's private hair. He hollows his cheeks out and swirls his tongue and Harry's the one blabbering curses now, hands falling limp.

Zayn pulls back and licks at the head,swirls his tongue and lets Harry's dick fall out of his mouth with a pop. Harry's eyes fly open and he looks confused at Zayn.

Zayn nods towards Harry's other hand and Harry nods in understanding. He takes handful of Zayn's hair and tugs at it and Zayn lets out a guttural moan, his mouth open again.   
Harry guides himself back in, slow this time and Zayn takes his time to lick the large vein on the underside of Harry's cock and then swirls his tongue back to collect the precome near the head and moans, with his lips wrapped around Harry and Harry sees white.

Harry pulls out and breathes heavy, " I.. I was gonna come." Zayn smirks at him and it hits Harry how innocent he makes the smirk look.  Harry bends down and tugs at his hair harder, Zayn whimpers and looks at him with hooded eyes. "Good boy." He whispers against Zayn's lips and kisses his nose. Zayn giggles.

"Turn around babe." Zayn does and Harry settles behind Zayn on his knees too. He lathers his fingers in the cold lube and mouths at Zayn's neck, teeth and tongue, sucking and biting until Zayn's aching with how hard he is.

"Harry please. Please just."

"Please what babe?"

"Fuck. Please just fuck me."

Harry pushes his finger in and Zayn's hip rise in reaction to the sudden cold intrusion.

"It's okay babe. It's okay. " Harry whispers.

Zayn sits back down onto Harry's finger and Harry twists it, slowly until Zayn's rising and falling to meet Harry's finger. Harry inserts the second finger and another until they're knuckle deep in and Zayn gives up and his face rests on the floor with his ass arched at Harry, still on his knees and his hands tied back. Harry thrusts in and out, quick and dirty, his own cock smearing the precome on Zayn's ass and back.

" _Zayn_."

Zayn cranes his neck a little to look at him,   
"I'm gonna go in okay?"

Zayn nods.

Harry crooks his fingers and Zayn gasps, "Say it. "

"Yes please." And Harry pulls his fingers out and thrusts right in, until he's balls deep into Zayn. Zayn's back arches at the movement, a delicious moan falling from his lips, it almost sounds painful, if Harry didn't know better, he'd worry about it.   
Instead he pulls all the way back and thrusts again, like an animal, like he can't stop and Zayn welcomes him, like he can't get enough.

Harry bends forward and hooks his arm around Zayn's torso and pulls him back, so Zayn is practically on his lap. Zayn lets out a loud shameless sound and Harry bites at his shoulder.

"Like it babe? Like that?"

"Yeah, Just. Like. That."

Zayn rolls his hips experimentally and they both groan.

"Harry..."

And Harry knows what Zayn wants.

"Touch me, _please_."

Harry curves his free hand around Zayn's flushed neck instead and Zayn's breath hitches.

Harry whispers dangerously low, "Want that babe? Like this?"

Zayn nods and starts riding Harry in a quick rhythm like a bond let loose. Zayn rises and falls on Harry's cock with grunts and groans, they're both a sweating mess, flushed and shining.

"Zayn!" Harry trembles, "I'm close. Are you?"

Zayn nods vigorously and bounces hard on him, slams his hips hard and another bounce and Harry's spilling into him with his mouth open and teeth on Zayn's shoulder, biting back a moan.

Zayn keeps riding him, chases his orgasm and Harry tightens his hand around Zayn's neck, "Come babe. Be a good boy for me." And Zayn's coming in hot, white spurts.

_

They're both lying on Zayn's bed, naked below the sheets, wet from the shower, legs tangled and Zayn's tracing Harry's collarbone with his thumb.

Harry chuckles suddenly and Zayn cranes his neck to look at him.

"What?"

"Can't forget the scene. It's playing in my mind." He laughs again.

Zayn huffs and bites at Harry's nipple.

_Post orgasm, Zayn slowly stood up to shower, his hands still tied back. He looked over his shoulder and Harry was still on his knees._

_"Good boy." Harry whispered with a wink and Zayn poked his tongue out at him. He turned to leave for the bathroom when he stepped on his own come and fell back down_.

"Stop laughing."

"But you looked so adorable." Harry laughs again and Zayn hides his face into Harry's armpit.

"It was embarassing."

"Well yeah, but you still looked adorable."

Zayn looks up at him again and Harry sweeps his hair back, it's grown longer, with it's strands landing on Zayn's forehead.

Zayn closes his eyes.

"Zayn?"

"Hm?"

"Call me that."

Zayn chuckles and open his eyes. He shifts a little and kisses Harry's on his lips, sucks on Harry's bottom lip until it's red, "My _Hulk_."

Harry smiles.

"Your turn." Zayn smiles back.

"My _Jaan_."

\- - -

Once upon a time, there was a boy, who believed in the universe and it's powers. A boy who never stopped wanting and one day, the universe gave him back, all that he ever wanted in curly hair and green eyes, lanky limbs and cherry lips, slow touches and quick breaths, skin on skin. And as Zayn traces Harry's lips with his thumb, he feels it, a sweet ache in his chest because he knows now, that it'll never be enough, no matter how close they are, it's never enough.

So Zayn never stops wanting.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope it was worth reading x  
> Tell me what do you think.


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